Popular jokes (706 to 720)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe...
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe
He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further....
"ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"
"Mmm yes".
"See they are all white, but that one black one?"
"Mmm yes".
"Does that help you to understand?"
"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep."
>Well isn't that nice...
Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
Doing Nothing
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.
NOAH’S ARK 2017
In the year 2017, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. .......... 'The government beat me to it
Big thanks to Marty Edelman for sharing
The good, the bad and the ugly...
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give 'the birds and the bees' talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections
Why Do Frogs Like St. Patrick's Day?
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fareQ: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?A: A sham rockQ: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? A: Because they're always wearing greenQ: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?A: A Jolly Green GiantQ: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: 'Top o' the moaning!Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter!New Chemical Formula
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!
A frog walks into a bank. He g...
A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!" Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who deperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"
Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
5 great jokes in the middle of the week
Why is giving birth called delivery
…instead of take-out?
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I asked my wife why she chose to marry me.
She said , "Because you are funny"
I said , "I thought it was because I was skilled in the bed"
To which she responded, "See? You’re hilarious!"
Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned. International Joke Day Jokes - Why did the chicken cross the road
International Joke Day falls at the halfway point in the year on July 1st
Find some classic "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes
Also, be sure to check more International Joke Day Jokes to share!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, let the chicken mind its own business.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because this is AMERICA! It can go anywhere it wants.
Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?
To visit his family.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she saw what you did to her eggs.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house. Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What caused the chicken to cross the road and enter the circus?
To learn how to juggle.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens are really, really dumb.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Just beak-cause he could.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To find a world where no one would question his intention of crossing the road.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because America’s aging infrastructure doesn’t adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.
Why did the monkey carry the chicken across the road?
So that somebody could tell this joke.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to know what all the jokes were about.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was social distancing.
Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was chicken.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over halfway.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders.
Why did the momma chicken cross the road?
To get to the chick-fil-a.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
Because it was “take your child to work day.”
