Popular jokes (676 to 690)

A small family of three booked a flight to Kansas

They arrived at the airport several hours early. As he was only four years old and this was his first experience with this sort of thing, the son was constantly wandering off.

Several times, the father had to chase him down, pick him up, and haul him back to their seats at the flight gate. After a while, he grew tired of this and told the child, "If you wander off again, I'm going to check you with the rest of the luggage."

Sure enough, wander off is exactly what the child did. So this time, the father picked him up and carried him over to the gate attendant. "Sir, I don't think I can allow you to check your own child," they told him.

The father frowned at this, then asked, "What, are you telling me I'll have to carry on my wayward son?"

World Post Day Jokes

On 9th October we celebrate World Post Day! Here's some postal humor for you:

What’s a postman’s favorite type of music?
Mail-ody!

Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?
Because it was a mail dominated industry

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?
Fission mailed!

So I got a phone call from the post office today...
...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

#worldpostday

Life is too short to be serious

Life is too short to be serious all the time.  So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me and i will laugh at you.

A man accidentally wires $500,000 to ...

A man accidentally wires $500,000 to the wrong account. He calls his bank manager for a reversal, but the manager says, "For that amount of money the dispute process would be very time-consuming. For a quicker solution you would be better off contacting the recipient to send the money back."

The man figures the chances of someone simply sending back $500,000 upon request are very slim, so instead the man comes up with an idea. He gets the account owner's number from the bank manager and sends them a text message. The message reads:
Hello, dark and worthy recruit. I believe you have received the $500,000 wired to you. It's for your initiation into the Eternal Brotherhood of the Dark Underworld. Our meeting is scheduled to take place tomorrow at 12 midnight. A week after your initiation, your siblings and parents will die. This will unlock the wealth and riches awaiting you after we conquer this world. But in case you're not ready to join, please send back the $500,000 immediately and you will be taken off our list of recruits.

About 30 minutes later, he gets a response back:
Please send another $1 million. My two friends are interested.

Help Me Please

I think I may need professional help...
A chef, a butler, and a maid should do it.

14 Physics Jokes that Scientist will love!

Why does a burger have less calories than a steak?
Because it is in its “GROUND” state!

Have you heard of the physicist who got chilled to absolute zero.
He’s 0K now.

A photon checks into a hotel and the bell boy asks what luggage he carries. What could be Photon’s reply?
“I did not bring any luggage, I am travelling ‘LIGHT’.

How many general relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two: One will hold the light bulb, and another will “rotate the space”.

Why can't you trust an atom?
Because atoms ‘make up everything’.

Why can’t you bring ‘electricity’ to parties?
Because it does not know how to ‘conduct’ itself.

You are in a high school and you see an experiment. How will you know which class it is?
If green and wiggly things are placed inside, then it's a biology lab. If it stinks, it's obviously the ‘Chemistry lab. However, if the experiment fails, it's a “physics” lab.

A neutron walks into a bar and asks about the price.
“For you sir, No charge at all!”

What does the male magnet say to the female magnet?
I saw you from the back, and thought you were ‘repulsive’, but now that I see from the front, I find you ‘attractive’.

What did a quantum physicist say before a bar duel?
Let me at-om!

What can a duck say to a physicist?
QUARK! QUARK! QUARK!

What did the Uranium-238 nucleus say to his partner?
We gotta ‘split’!

Two cats fall off a terrace at the same time, at the same speed. Which one did fall off first?
The one with the smaller “mew”.

What can a beginner’s guide to physics include?
Relativity: When the family gets bigger
Black hole: What you get in black socks
Critical mass: a group of film reviewers
Hyperspace: the place where you park your car at a megastore!

Night vs Morning

Night vs Morning. At night: I can't sleep. In the morning: I can't wake up.

Husband tries childbirth simulator

A woman is in labor, and the doctor comes in and says, "we have this cool new device that lets the father participate by feeling the pain of childbirth! What do you think?"

The wife is all for it, so the husband says, "sure- I'll try it."

He puts it on, turns it to 20% power, and waits. Nothing. "Cool," he says. "Turn it to 50% and let's see what I've got."

They turn it up to 50%, and after a minute, he's still pretty comfortable. "I don't know what the big deal is- this is a walk in the park!" He says. "I've got this. Turn it up to 11."

They turn it up to 110%, and he's still doing fine! He can't believe it, but he's pretty impressed with himself for being so tough.

Wife has the baby, and when they get home, the mail man is dead on the front porch.

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar...

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word.

The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves.

The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here."

The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?"

The bartender replies, "There's a bar across the road."

Ike, Mike and Mustard were on ...

Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at The Olde Log Inn resort. Mustard decided to take a nature hike and ended up missing for two days. When he turned up in the local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike and Mike rushed to see what had happened.

According to Mustard, he had gotten lost. After wandering around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat. Unfortunately, the last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking "How far is The Olde Log Inn?"

Rabbit walks into a bar and few more funny jokes

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walks into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo!"

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis."
I replied, "That's 15 love"

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy. "Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.
Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?" "Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

Why pigs dressed in black never get killed?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

My loopy neighbour has invited me to her cats birthday party on Saturday...
Is she crazy? She knows my dog is getting married that day!

Blame It On the Media

Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.
Shows how toxic the media is.

A pastor's wife was expecting...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”

Scream Day Jokes

April 24th is #ScreamDay, created to bring awareness to the benefits of screaming. #Scream some #jokes!

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…
The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”

What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?
A tornado

I like to lick women until they scream
Usually only takes one lick.

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off
I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?
Speed Racist.

#ScreamDay #ScreamDay2023