Popular jokes (7081 to 7095)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Mistaken Identity
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken...
Mistaken for patience!
An Imam's Sad Announcement
An imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from and moving to a drier climate. Afterwards, a very distraught lady came to the imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind-hearted imam said, "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The imam who takes my place might be even better than me.""Yeah," she replied, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "that's what the last imam said, too."- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabeeHourse Rider
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding assisted without any experience or lessons.She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Todd, the Wall-Mart Manager, runs out to turn the horse off.
Editted by Curtis
I left my Adderall in my Ford
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta, now it’s a Ford Focus.Chuck Norris' belly button is ...
Chuck Norris' belly button is actually a power outlet.Kissing a Nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady
10 words that do not exist...but should...
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
And God Created Woman
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Funny jokes-Girlfriend in car
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Not speaking...
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
The Lost $100 Bill
Wife: Why are you late?
Husband: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Husband: No, I was standing on it.
You are Not a Monk
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near amonastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and
says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the
night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix
his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but
they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes
about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his
car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had
heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to
become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how
many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand
pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a
monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he
returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I
have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked
for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations! You are now a monk. We
shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the
man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is
right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He
says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him
the key, and he opens
the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of
stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The
monks give him the key, and he
opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He asks for yet
another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door
is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went
until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver,
topaz, amethyst . . .
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last
door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns
the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the
source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because . . . you're not a
monk!
When Jesus rose from the dead
When Jesus rose from the dead and appeared to Mary Magdalene, in disbelief, she exclaimed “No way!”Marriage Problems
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.”
