Popular jokes (736 to 750)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
9-1-1, what is your emergency?
"9-1-1, what is your emergency?""Help! I was hunting in the woods with my friend, and he suddenly dropped dead for no reason! Oh my God, I'm freaking out!!"
"Calm down, sir, we'll get you through this. The first thing we need to do is make sure that your friend really is dead."
"All right, hold on a second."
BLAM!
"Okay, now what?"
White hairs
One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
Speeding Ticket
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
Also Found on http://www.moc-pages.com 'Jokes and Puns #3' Conversation of i Brick group, posted by King Jaspin on September 26, 2015
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe...
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe
He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further....
"ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"
"Mmm yes".
"See they are all white, but that one black one?"
"Mmm yes".
"Does that help you to understand?"
"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep."
>Balcony Life
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"
he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Dropping me down to a B
I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.
However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.
April fools' day office joke - you are fired
- You are fired Bob. - What!? Why!? - APRIL FOOL! - OH Man. - But April fools' day is next week. - So ti is, ha ha. - HA HA. - HA HA HA HA HA. - - - Anyway ... you're fired. Long Speech
A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."
Old Josh was sat in his garden...
Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came."If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
Jim Gaffigan: Bottled Water
How did we get to the point where were paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guys sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water. They Do Look Alike
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.
"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"
Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."
Anal vs Oral
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
A country rube is about to get married and he asks his Pa...
A country rube is about to get married and he asks his Pa, “Pa, how can I tell if I’m the first feller Norma Sue has ever been with on our wedding night?” “Well that’s easy son. Just do what I did on my own wedding night. All ya need is some red paint, some blue paint, and a shovel.”
“What the heck do I need those things fer?”
“Well son, you take the red paint and you color one of yer testicles red, then you take the blue paint and ya color the other one blue.”
“Really! And then what Pa?”
“Well then if she says that that’s the strangest looking pair o’ balls she’s ever seen, ya hit her with the shovel!”
International Joke Day Jokes - Why did the chicken cross the road
International Joke Day falls at the halfway point in the year on July 1st
Find some classic "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes
Also, be sure to check more International Joke Day Jokes to share!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, let the chicken mind its own business.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because this is AMERICA! It can go anywhere it wants.
Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?
To visit his family.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she saw what you did to her eggs.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house. Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What caused the chicken to cross the road and enter the circus?
To learn how to juggle.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens are really, really dumb.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Just beak-cause he could.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To find a world where no one would question his intention of crossing the road.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because America’s aging infrastructure doesn’t adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.
Why did the monkey carry the chicken across the road?
So that somebody could tell this joke.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to know what all the jokes were about.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was social distancing.
Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was chicken.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over halfway.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders.
Why did the momma chicken cross the road?
To get to the chick-fil-a.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
Because it was “take your child to work day.”
