Popular jokes (736 to 750)

Tense disagreement

Have you heard about the kid who was going to argued with his dad?
There was a tense disagreement.

Original joke by @nogueydude

An elderly man in Phoenix call...

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

White hairs

One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

On a senior citizen bus tour...

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"

Husband tries childbirth simulator

A woman is in labor, and the doctor comes in and says, "we have this cool new device that lets the father participate by feeling the pain of childbirth! What do you think?"

The wife is all for it, so the husband says, "sure- I'll try it."

He puts it on, turns it to 20% power, and waits. Nothing. "Cool," he says. "Turn it to 50% and let's see what I've got."

They turn it up to 50%, and after a minute, he's still pretty comfortable. "I don't know what the big deal is- this is a walk in the park!" He says. "I've got this. Turn it up to 11."

They turn it up to 110%, and he's still doing fine! He can't believe it, but he's pretty impressed with himself for being so tough.

Wife has the baby, and when they get home, the mail man is dead on the front porch.

Glass Eye

  A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye  

Poisonous Snake

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

Little Dozing Johnny

Dad: "Johnny, go to bed. You're dozing off on the couch..."
Little Johnny (opening his eyes): "No dad, I'm not dozing... I'm just blinking reaaaally sloooowly."

A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey

He takes a sip and then spits it out.

"I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."

The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.

"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"

The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:

"This one's on the house."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.

"This tastes like piss!"

"Now tell me, how old am I?"

Paper beats rock, rock beats s...

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

Fondue jokes

What's the reason you don't hear a lot of fondue jokes?
Most of the time, they're excessively cheesy.

Lost credit card

A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."

"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"

"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!"

Plane lost both engines

A plane is flying over the Mediterranean.
A pilots voice comes on And says a terrible thing has happened.
We’ve lost both engines and we’re gonna have to land in the Mediterranean.
The plane will stay afloat for a very short time.
And we’ll be able to open the door just long enough that everyone can get out.
We have to do this in an orderly fashion.
Everyone that can swim just go to the right wing and stand there.
Everyone who can’t swim just go to the left wing and just stand there.
Those of you on the right wing you’ll find a little island it’s in the direction of the Sun about two miles off, and as the plane goes under just swim in an orderly fashion out and you’ll be fine.
And for those of you on the left wing…

I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.

The # 1 April Fools Prank of All Time - The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

April 1, 1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop.

It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in.

Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, 'place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.'

Even the director-general of the BBC later admitted that after seeing the show he checked in an encyclopedia to find out if that was how spaghetti actually grew (but the encyclopedia had no information on the topic).

The broadcast remains, by far, the most popular and widely acclaimed April Fool's Day hoax ever, making it an easy pick for number one. #1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

Walking on Water

A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat. Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were."