Popular jokes (7681 to 7695)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Name two of Santa's reindeer...
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
Travel On The Plane
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
Herd of cows...
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Hang your @
Home is where you hang your @.University of California – 3 Campuses – 3 Reactions
A story told me during my first year at UCD by a professor who'd been to all three campuses mentioned:
A professor was lecturing at UC Berkeley. He entered the room, took up his position at the front of the room, and said, 'Good morning, class.'
Immediately the room erupted into argument. 'How can you stand there and say the morning is 'good' when all over the world, people are starving, imprisoned, oppressed, ...' The students immediately stage a protest and walk out.
The next quarter, the professor is lecturing at UC Santa Cruz. He entered the room, took up his position at the front of the room, and said, 'Good morning, class.'
Immediately the students stand up, look out the window at the beach, say, 'Dude, you're right!', grab the surfboards and hit the waves.
The next quarter, the professor is lecturing at UC Davis. He enters the room, takes up his position at the front of the room, and says, 'Good morning, class.'
Immediately every head goes to the desk as they all start taking notes, and three students raise their hand and ask, 'Excuse me, will that be on the test?'
Deserted island
Harry was shipwrecked on a deserted island. For several months, he longed for someone to talk to; searched the horizons for even the suggestion of a ship.
One day, his committment was rewarded: A beautiful woman was washed up onto the beach, floating on a large steamer trunk. Harry got her all settled, and fed, and dried off and they started talking.
April asked Harry, "what is something you've REALLY missed being out here on a desserted island for so long?"
"A clean shirt," was Harry's response. With a huff, April reached into the steamer trunk and tossed Harry a shirt.
April let out a short huff, but persevered: "Surely there's SOMETHING you've really missed out here...all alone...on an island with NOBODY all this time?"
"Oh wow, YEAH, there sure is: I'd REALLY like a dry pillow to sleep on."
April reached into her steamer trunk once again and tossed Harry a pillow; and she would not be put off. Striking her most alluring pose, she asked in her most provocative voice, "C'mon, Harry, wouldn't you like to play around?"
Harry got all excited and started jumping up and down. "Don't tell me you have a set of GOLF CLUBS in there, too?!???!?!"
A couple were indulged in sexu
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
The Aging Explorer
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"
T.J. Miller: Fighting With an Ex
She said, Youre an unoriginal jerk. Everything youve said to me youve said to some other girl. I felt awful but I was like, Yeah, of course. Theres only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, youre going to run out and be like, Garbage truck banana boat.50 funny things to do in an elevator
1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
Burglar's secret
A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
"I’m sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.
“No, you don’t understand,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the house without waking the wife. I've been trying to do that for years.”
Q: Why did the one armed man c
Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?A: To get to the second hand shop.
