Popular jokes (811 to 825)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...
Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.
A mother and her young son wer...
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
Feet in the bed
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
By Reddit user timetofeedthemonster
An angry wife to her husband o...
An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?" Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."
Cross-eyed dog
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
Stung by a bee
A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He shook his head and said: "That’s your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!"
Service Memorial
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
Retaking exam
Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"
"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."
The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."
The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:
"Which tire was it?"
A Saudi Prince went to Germany...
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!
Gin Jokes - to celebrate World Gin Day
Second Saturday in June is World Gin Day. Celebrate it with short jokes
They say gin can damage your short-term memory.
If that's the case, just imagine what gin can do.
I love water -
especially when it's frozen in cubes and surrounded by gin.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar -
and orders a gin, and tonic.
I tried to say no to gin -
but it's 42.5% stronger than me
A true friend reaches for your hand …
and puts a glass of gin in it.
Charles Dickens: A martini please.
Bartender: Olive or twist?
A gorilla goes up to a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.
The bartender makes the G&T and says: "That'll be £20 - and I must say we don't get many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies: "With prices like that, I'm not surprised."
Woman: I love you.
Man: Is that you or the gin talking?
Woman: It's me talking to the gin.
Don't cry over spilt milk:
it could have been gin.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin.
Then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass
"Trust me you can dance."
- Gin
PLEASE DRINK GIN RESPONSIBLY.
Don't spill it.
Neutron: How much is a G&T?
Bartender: For you - no charge.
I'm on a gin and tonic diet:
I lost three days last week.
Short Cowboy Jokes
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas? A: A huddle.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.
Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
Q: How are fat girls and moped
Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?A: They are fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to find out.
