Popular jokes (8626 to 8640)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Jumbo jet
A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes."I'll have a 'jumbo jet'," he said.
When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.
He called his waiter over. "Was that the 'jumbo jet'?" he asked.
"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"
Have faith...
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"
An eccentric philosophy profes...
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an 'A' when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
“After going litter p
“After going litter picking I found I was very knowledgeable in litterature.”
Reward For Goodness
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
Your Dentist Is Crazy
The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy
- Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
- His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"
- Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
- Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
- He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
- Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
- When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
- Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
- Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
- Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.
Church bells....
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother.
When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells.
She paused, and wiped away a tear.
"If it wasn't for that dang ringy-ding-ding ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."
The lord givith....
A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.
The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.
Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"
Dear Abby Admitted She Was At
Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the S*x, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in s*x to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in s*x and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.
Drunken argument...
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"
Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
Wacky Warning Labels
I bought a garden hose nozzle at the local hardware. It had one disclaimer: “Do not spray into electrical outlet.”My favorite is the one on my birth control package. “Do not use if you plan on becoming pregnant”.
On a children's cough medicine prescribed for my 5 year old was the warning ‘Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.'
My daughter has been diagnosed as being diabetic. On one of her packs of medication. “May cause loss of consciousness–symptoms–unconsciousness!” Danny
My favorite has always been the one on a hair drier I bought:
DO NOT USE IN SHOWER WHILE WATER IS RUNNING. You need one for your newsletter though: Caution–may stimulate thought and dispell comfortable ignorance !!
On an emergency contraceptive kit (morning after pill) a warning saying not to take it if you're pregnant; sleeping pills come with a warning that they may cause drowsiness; Antibuse, a med to help overcome addictions (including alcohol) comes with a warning not to drink alcohol with it; straight razor blades which have a prominent marking saying Warning: this package contains sharp objects.”
There were many, many warnings tucked in the operators manual of my laptop. One said: “Do not use while immersed in water.” There's a sticker on Microsoft keyboards which says “Warning: Some experts believe the use of any keyboard may cause serious injury. Consult statement on the back of this keyboard.” LeRoy As Sweden has so many lakes and waterways there are dozens of official ferries. One of the signs says “STOP–Ferry–this does not apply to vehicles boarding the ferry”. Another one is at the beginning of a Clearway (no stopping or parking) and you can see a bus-stop about 20 yards further on. They have to add a rider which says “Does not apply to buses in regular traffic.” Glenn
The stroller I have has a great one. Under the seat is a basket for groceries etc. and there is a label there to not place your baby in in the basket under the seat! Jen
A woman was suing her pharmacist because he didn't tell her that the spermicidal jelly she bought was to be inserted before sex. Instead, she was spreading it on toast and eating it like, well, jelly. (I swear I'm not making this up). Her response was, “Who has time to read labels when you're in the mood?” I never did hear the outcome of the suit, but the general response on our end was “Can you sue someone for being stupid?”
