Popular jokes (8746 to 8760)

Random Letters

Me: I'm terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see....
Me: (Scream intensifies)

A compliment....

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"

Poor kids

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

Tom Papa: You Know Smoking Is Bad for You

They smoke for 60-70 years, then they show up, I had no idea it was bad for me! Come on. Youre breathing in fire. What did you think you were doing, training for the circus? Even if they didnt put a label on the pack, you would know its bad for you, wouldnt you? They dont need to put a warning label on a hammer for me to know if I smack myself in the face, its gonna hurt.

Tom was in his early 50s, reti

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

 Answering Machine Message 229

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Socksist remark

As a feminist, I don't make jokes about hose. It is a socksist remark. It hits too clothes to home.

Knock Knock Collection 142

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oscar!
Oscar who?
Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
O'Shea!
O'Shea who?
O'Shea that's a sad story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oslo!
Oslo who!
Oslo down, whats the hurry!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oswald!
Oswald who?
Oswald my chewing gum!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oswego!
Oswego who?
Oswego marching, marching home ...!

Church bells....

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells.

She paused, and wiped away a tear.

"If it wasn't for that dang ringy-ding-ding ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."

Elementary school talent shows...

Elementary school talent shows are intense. Some of the competitors really go for the juggler.

I Have A Big Problem

Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill, "Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don't know what to do about it. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don't know which one."
"Not a big deal Boris, I'm stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one."

The Good, the bad and the ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Hindu Happy Birthday

Q: What does a Hindu wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

Kittens are taking over the web. It's a cute d'ekat!

#joke #short

What Would Jesus Drive?

Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.