Popular jokes (8776 to 8790)

Why does rubbing your hair wit

Why does rubbing your hair with vinegar give you head lice?

Top 10 Signs That It Is Time to Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.

8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.

4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

The golf ball...

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies, "I found it."

Angry boy

Short Christmas Riddles

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.
Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.

What is it called, when backwa

What is it called, when backwards you sing? A: Yoda-ling

Stability

I started out with nothing...
And I still have most of it.

Football and Confession

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.

At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. “I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents.” “Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin',” the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

“That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents.”

“Saints preserve us!” the priest said, making another chalk mark.

“There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the . . . in a sensitive area.”

“Oh, goodness me!” the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. “Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?”

“Southern Methodist.”

“Ah, well,” said the priest, wiping his sleeve, “boys will be boys.”

Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

How You Earned It

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Just like dad...

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"

Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"

Your mama is so ugly that when

Your mama is so ugly that when I told her to do the robot, R2-D2 got herpes.

Passing A Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

A husband and wife are on the

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Bad weather

This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.

So the manager sent him up to room "69".

He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.

Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."

She got at it again and farted in his face.

He said, "What the hell was that?"

She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."

Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.

Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci