Popular jokes (8791 to 8805)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Chuck Norris can take an arrow...
Chuck Norris can take an arrow in the knee.Where are we?
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
The Supportive Younger Brother
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well deserved complaining and self-pitying.
She moaned to her mom and her younger brother, "Nobody loves me...the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word... "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
Short Christmas Riddles
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?The letter "D".
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.
Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.
St. Peter
A priest and a politician both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them.He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says, "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true, guaranteed."
The priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!"
St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the politician. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says, "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."
The politician looks and St. Peter and says, "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?"
St. Peter just laughs and says, "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you got elected, people prayed."
Drinking & Fishing
It seems one day there was a Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan fishing in a boat in the middle of a lake.
After a few hours, the Russian pulls out a brand new bottle of Vodka, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.
When the others ask him about this, the Russian says "there is plenty of Vodka where I come from".
A while later, the Mexican pulls out a new bottle of Tequila, takes one drink, then throws the bottle into the lake.
When the others ask him about this, the Mexican says "there is plenty of Tequila where I come from".
Another hour passes and then the Texan pulls out a new bottle of Lone-Star Beer, takes one drink, then throws the Mexican into the lake.
Training for job
An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other. The Indian says to the bartender: "Me want Lager!"The bartender says: "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.
Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender: "Me want beer!"
The bar keeper says: "Whoa there Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here...What was that all about, anyway?" he asked.
The Indian explained: "Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, then come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind..."
Really funny jokes-The lions will eat anything
Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do.
"Throw them to the lions" said the head keeper, "the lions will eat anything".
So the young keeper returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion's cage. That done, he returned and asked what he should do now. He was instructed to go and clean out the ape house. Off he went and started cleaning. He was shocked to discover dead chimpanzees in the cage, and rushed back for instructions.
"Don't worry" said the head keeper, "just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything".
So the young man returns to the ape house and throws the dead animals into the lions cage. Returning again for instructions, he is told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, he notices that all the bees have died. "I know what to do", he thinks to himself "I'll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything", whereupon he brushes them all up and throws them into the lion cage.
The next day, the zoo obtains a new lioness. The lioness is walking around the new cage for the first time, and starts asking the other lions what things are like here. "Hows the accommodation?", she asks.
"Fine" comes the reply from one lion.
"And whats the food like?" she asks.
"Not bad" replies another, "yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".
The Date
A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it. After they finish, the guy says,"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".
Delivery....
In the back woods, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
