Popular jokes (8791 to 8805)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Bumper Stickers in Heaven
Honk if you ARE Jesus
Ask Me About My Previous Lives
I Brake For Celestial Choirs
I Died and Went To Heaven and All I Got Was This Lousy Halo
Don Draper la
Don Draper laid out his clothes every morning.Silly Collection 19
What is the best day of the week to sleep?
Snooze-day!
How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?
A phew!
What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered host!
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams!
What does "Maximum" mean?
A very big mother!
What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A sponge!
Why is perfume obedient?
Because it is scent wherever it goes!
What is Matzo
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this?!"
A dear old lady was staying in...
A dear old lady was staying in a hotel in a small country town and could not get to sleep because of the noise emanating from a party on the ground floor. At first, she bore it stoically. But at about 2 A.M., when the screams and screeches were louder than ever, she phoned the front desk to ask what was going on."Oh, they're holding a Policemen's Ball" replied the clerk.
"Well," said the old lady, "isn't it about time they let go?"
Preposition
A small-town country boy gets a scholarship to Harvard. During his first week on campus, when he's still learning to get around the place, he's trying to find the library to meet up with a study group. While wandering around, he sees an older, distinguished-looking man walking by. Figuring that the man is a professor, or otherwise associated with the school, he decides to ask him for directions.
"Excuse me," he asks, "do you know where the library is at?"
The man stops, looks at him, and sniffs, "Son, at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition".
"OK. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"
The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"!
'What's shaking Norm?''All four cheeks & a couple of chins.'
'What's new Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.'
'What'd you like Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'
'What'll you have Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'
'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'
'What's the story Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'
'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know; if she calls, I'm not here.'
'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'
'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''
'Whatcha up to Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'
'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean POUR!'
'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'
'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts.'
'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'
'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'
'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.'
'What's the story Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'
'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson?
'A beer please, Woody.'
'Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No. For a stupid question'
Little Red Riding Hood was wal
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visither grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a
tree.
"Ah-ha...," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!"
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it, doesn't anybody f*ck anymore?"
"Isn't politics just...
"Isn't politics just horrible these days? People are now saying that Hillary Clinton has spent millions of dollars on plastic surgery. Shes so good looking now that her husband hit on her by accident last night."--Dave Letterman
The National Game warden put o...
The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.Elephant Jokes 05
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
One is a weak one and the other one week!
What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
Trunkquilizers!
Why are elephants grey?
So you can tell them from flamingos!
Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?
"
Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!"
Why do elephants scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!
Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!
How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?
One fine day, a bus driver wen
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not? "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
1. If you are choking on an ic
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink..
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer..
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button .
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
