Popular jokes (8911 to 8925)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Trouble hearing....
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"
Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"
The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"
Bowling ball humor...
I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.
-- Carolyn May
A busload of politicians were
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
There was a guy riding through...
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said, "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"
You might be a redneck if 22
You might be a redneck if...Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Q: What do you call a midget f...
Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?A: A small medium at large.
Guilt...
A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.
Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"
Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."
Free beer
Two Aussies a...
Free beerTwo Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Signs The Car Is A Lemon
Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon
- Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
- Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
- Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
- Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
- Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
- Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
- Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
- Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
- Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
- "Jaws of Life" in trunk.
- The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
- When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"
- You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.
- Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
- The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
Survival techniques
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
1.The more beautiful the woman
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Insulting To Women
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Bangkok, Thailand
A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.
"We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.
In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been hiring too many college-educated women, he said, adding: "Intelligent women tend not to be good looking."
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
