Popular jokes (8926 to 8940)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Three Little Pigs went out to
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy..
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Banging pussy
There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.
" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".
On this the ugly bitch replied. " Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".
Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop
to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.
While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".
On this the customer replied ," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Ice Fishing In Alaska
A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says,
"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE."
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.
The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH
The drunk looks up and says, "Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
Judi walks into the library, l
Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter.Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."
The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."
Judi nods. Then she whispers, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke...."
Sitting on the side of th...
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Baldness...
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."
Next mood swing: 6 minutes
Next mood swing: 6 minutesI hate everybody, you're next.
And your point is.............?
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?
You have the right to remain silent so please use it!
If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.
A Little Cannibalism Humor, Folks
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?
A Canadian preacher was preocc...
A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. ‘But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played, *'O Canada.'
*And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
=========
*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*
Winning toast
Patrick hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"
And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Signs Your Burned Out
"Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"
- You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
- Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
- Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
- You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
- You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
- You sleep more at work than at home.
- You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
- Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
- You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
