Popular jokes (8941 to 8955)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
When the store manager returne
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him."Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
When the saviour of Nottingham
When the saviour of Nottingham Forest got an honourary degree from Oxford, he had to wear a robe and hood.#joke #short
A man sat down and was serious
A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”#joke #short
ATTORNEY: Were you present wh...
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
#joke #short
Need light
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
How to Have a Perfect Pastor
A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect pastor:Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect pastor preaches exactly 12 minutes. He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor. He is 28 years of age, but he's been preaching for 30 years.He is wonderfully gentle and handsome. He gives himself completely but never gets too close to anyone to avoid criticism.He speaks boldly on social issues, but must never become politically involved. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, but he spends all his time with senior citizens. He makes 15 daily calls to parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.#joke
Answering Machine Message 19
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.
#joke #short
A police officer arrives at an...
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building... he suddenly notices that one is still breathing.He approaches her and asks: "why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings"...
#joke #blonde #policeman
John Mulaney: Meanest People in the World
Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day... because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you dont like about you. They dont even have to look at you for long. Theyll just be like, Ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, look at that high waisted man. He got feminine hips. And Im like, No! Thats the thing Im sensitive about.#joke
What Would Jesus Drive?
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.#joke #short
I can't help but stare a...
I can't help but stare at large mansions, especially since my wife always tells me to watch my manors.#joke #short
Smell the Coffee...
A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.
Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
* You dance and it makes the b
* You dance and it makes the band skip.* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
* You could sell shade.
* Your blood type is Ragu.
* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
