Popular jokes (9061 to 9075)

Talking to Her Cat

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot.

There Is A Blind Man Here To See You

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appe

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes
off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I am only following the instructions here! It says here 'Answer the following questions in brief'".

The Stained Clothes

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.
I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.
So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again.
Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.
And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.
The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.
The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white."

 You Might Be A Redneck If 73

You might be a reneck if...
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
Higher math means counting over 10.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.

Lufthansa: th...

Lufthansa: the German company for people who ask questions in public.

Plastic fruit will be banned a...

Plastic fruit will be banned at the upcoming G8/20 summits in Toronto. Officials have to secure the pear-imitator.

50 funny things to do in an elevator

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the accordion.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

“Shakespeare spent so

“Shakespeare spent so much time at the Globe Theater because he was bored of Avon.”

Coffee Breaks

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It

takes too long to retrain them.

Microwave ovens are in

Microwave ovens are in a minute objects.

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently."What are you doing?" the priest asks.The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service.""Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says."I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies."Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

When Chuck Norris watches a po...

When Chuck Norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.

Golfing

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf one day.

Jesus stepped up to the tee, swung, but caught a real bad slice and the ball caught hard left straight into the pond.

"No problem!" he said, and then made the ball rise so he could walk out on the pond, and chip it right onto the green.

"Not bad, young fella!" Said Moses. But he suffered the same fate dropping the ball into the pond.

Stepping to the edge, he parted the water, stepped in and chipped it onto the green.

Finally the old man steps up. not quite certain on how the game was played, tees off.

The ball also caught hard to the left, and straight to the pond.

Before the ball hit, a fish dove out and ate it, but before entering the water again, a bird swoops down and eats the fish.

Flying over the green, the bird coughs up the fish, when the fish hit the green, the ball popped out, onto the green and rolled right into the cup!

"Hooray!!! A hole in one!!!" Cried the old man.

Then Jesus steps up and says, "Dad! stop messing around, and play golf!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

A dentist a nurse and a army g...

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying.

The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb.

They land the airplane and see what happened...

First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.

Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.

Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.

They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."