Popular jokes (9061 to 9075)

Canada's economy is made

Canada's economy is made up of prostitutes. How do I know? Well, Canadians are drawers of water and whoores of wood.

Fly, Soup, the Usual

A diner yelled out, "Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?"

After taking a close look at the soup, the waiter said, "It looks like the breaststroke, sir."

Pun season

“The time for submitted puns starting with the letter 'N' just expired. It's now 'O' pun season.”

Before proving his own existen

Before proving his own existence, Rene Descartes proved that Mexican food causes flatulence—with his less famous aphorism, “burrito, air go boom!”

Christmas: The Millionaire Gift

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and asked 'What do you want for Christmas?'
'Something for my mother, please,' replied young lady sweetly.
'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'
Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, 'A millionaire son-in-law.'

“What happened to the...

“What happened to the rich guy with the double chin? He made a four chin.”

 Answering Machine Message 05

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

If you don’t have anything nice to say…

An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him, "You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students observe Mouna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years." After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.He said: "The bed is too hard."He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

Banging pussy

There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.

Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.

" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".

On this the ugly bitch replied. " Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".

Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop

to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.

While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".

On this the customer replied ," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".

Submitted by Admin

Edited by Curtis

I spat gum out onto a wall 

I spat gum out onto a wall – and now it's gotten stucco.

Trying to kill a vampire? Don&...

Trying to kill a vampire? Don't make a miss stake!

Represent Numeric Without Using Number

A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
So Murphy say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What the hell's that?"
Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99."
Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Murphy says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, dat's 99"
The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Murphy, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100."
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!"
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?"

Family of the Groom

At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."

Pop N. Fresh dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.