Popular jokes (9046 to 9060)

“Instead of being rew

“Instead of being rewarded for his invention, Dr. Guillotine was charged with neckless endangerment.”

A guy was standing glumly at t

A guy was standing glumly at the bar.
"What's up?" asked his friend.
"My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our love lives."
"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"
"Well, unfortunately 'Guess who I shagged last night?' didn't go down too well."

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the

middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they

created a night watchman position and hired a person for the

job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job

without instruction?" So they created a planning department

and hired two people, one person to write the instructions,

and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is

doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control

department and hired two people. One to do the studies and

one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get

paid?" So they created the following positions, a time

keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of

these people?" So they created an administrative section and

hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant

Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation

for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback

overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

An American businessman goes t

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you order: pepper only."

I had amnesia once - or twice.

I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when hegrows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to looklike a nail.
A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you aman who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Backward Rabbits

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

How do sailors get the...

How do sailors get their clothes clean?

A man was out walking a dog, a

A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admirethe animal.
"What's your dog's name?" she asked.
"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel."

Little known fact: Hannibal Le

Little known fact: Hannibal Lecter started out in the Pizza Corpse.

Before proving his own existen

Before proving his own existence, Rene Descartes proved that Mexican food causes flatulence—with his less famous aphorism, “burrito, air go boom!”

 A Way To Save Your Marriage

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Grandpa's 1968 Corvette

Grandpa: They say a man’s car is a reflection of himself.
Granddaughter: I see what you mean Grandpa; sometimes your car doesn’t want to start in the morning, and when it does start it sputters and back fires before it gets going.
Grandpa: Hey…

A father asked his little...

A father asked his little boy if he knew how a person gets saved.“We’ll be saved by going to our church every Sunday,” the boy said without hesitation.His father explained that going to their church each week would not save them.“Well, then, we better find another church!” replied the boy.

Being poor is absolutely ro

Being poor is absolutely no fund at all.

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."