Popular jokes (9031 to 9045)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Survival techniques
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
The proud papa...
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...
*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"EXACTLY!"
Ligh bulb jokes-How many Doctors?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
William Bennett recalls when o...
William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we feel good about each other."It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says, "I gave them paper plates.
Daniel Tosh: Cargo Pants Day
I have a five-gallon jar at my house I like to fill with change. I dont stop til I reach tip-top and that little bell goes off, and I know Cargo Pant Day is here at last, and I dance. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt -- extra tight because I dont want to have an embarrassing situation on such a great day -- and I fill up all the pockets with the change. Then I get a car alarm -- not a car alarm with a car, just a car alarm -- and I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, Hey, you got any spare change? Then, I set the car alarm off: You hit the jackpot, mofo!Why are some fish at the botto...
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?How does a flower ride a bike?...
How does a flower ride a bike?Andre Kelley: Adult Table
This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults table. Thats cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.Eight-year-old Sally brought h
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Noah was extremely promiscuous
Noah was extremely promiscuous during his travels on the boat. He was known as the first ark dick explorer.Microsoft and a lightbulb
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?
None - Bill Gates just declares darkness the new standard!
