Popular jokes (9016 to 9030)

Chemical formula for Ice

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for Water?
Little Johnny: It's H2O
Teacher: Good! Can you tell me the chemical formula for ice?
Little Johnny: It's H2O cubed.

25 Gallons of Milk

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

Good news...bad news....

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

100 Dollars

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks,

Billy

A man came home from the offic

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"

DR. PHIL: The problem we have

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won'trealize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of theroad before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road.What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by nottaking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of havingthe chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part oflife, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just driveacross the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearlysee the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is achicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side ofthe road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misledabout the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remainagainst it. Probably.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY!You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworkingAmerican.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what directionthat chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market tosell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gaveme any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it -with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed -I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken is gay! Can't you peoplesee the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going tothe "other side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, myfriends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you willbecome gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out thisabomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmlessphrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing theroad. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed theroad. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that wasgood enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening forthe first time,that same chicken tell us, in its own words, theheart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting,and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if youtry ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die .....Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, MillenniumEdition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file yourimportant documents, and balance your check book. Internet Exploreris a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stableand will never cras ... #@&&^(!
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or didthe road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. Whatis your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

Answering Machine Message 97

"Camptown Races":
I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...

Q: If April showers bring may

Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

I Hate Those People

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get “saved” or you'll “burn”...
Stupid firemen.

A bishop, a boy scout and the ...

A bishop, a boy scout and the Brain of Britain were passengers in a small plane. The pilot announced serious trouble and asked everyone to leave the aircraft. However, there were only two parachutes, so the bishop suggested that as he was the oldest, he should stay behind. The scout said: "Don't worry sir! There are still two parachutes. The Brain of Britain has jumped using my haversack!"

Yo' Mama is so ugly, yo' dad

Yo' Mama is so ugly, yo' daddy takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Netflix: The

Netflix: The latest craze among fishermen.

A Russian woman married an Eng

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London.
However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Hilarious jokes-Possibly dead

Q: Why did the scarecrow get p

Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.