Popular jokes (931 to 945)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Mike Birbiglia: Fear the Most
I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like, I fear youll meet someone else, and youll leave me, and Ill be all alone. And she was like, What do you fear the most? And I was like, Bears.
Getting Divorced
An elderly man calls his son who lives in another city and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?"
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced", she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls her parents immediately, and says to her father: "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, do you hear me?!"
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says. "They're coming for our anniversary and paying their own way. Now what do we tell them for your birthday?"
An irate woman burst into the baker's shop...
An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, " "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."
People Change
My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”
I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”
The ABC's of Marriage
After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).
The Date
A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.
After they finish, the guy says,
"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".
Mitch Hedberg: Fore!
I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and thats way more satisfying. Youre supposed to yell Fore, but I was too busy mumbling There aint no way thats gonna hit him. There were these twin sisters...
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over thereand take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
If you ever fall in love
If you ever fall in love… fall in love with someone who wants to know your favorite color and just how you like your coffee. Fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it. Fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest just to hear your heart beat. Fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know. Fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place. Fall in love with someone who would never ever want to hurt you. Fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and thinks you are perfect just the way you are. Fall in love with someone who thinks that you are the ONE they would love to wake up to each day. Jim Gaffigan: The Book vs. the Movie
You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? Theyre always so condescending. Ah, the book was much better than the movie. Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading. Selection of recent Dad jokes and puns
When does a sandwich cook?
When it is bakin' lettuce and tomato.
Why did the smart phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-soda.
Why did the cow cross the road?
They wanted to go to the mooooovies.
What do you call a funky car?
Mustang.
What did the hammer say to his homeboys?
Nailed it.
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What is big and green and falls off over the tree will kill you?
A snooker table.
What did the French guy do when he drank too much water?
He went oui oui in his pants.
Where do pencils spend their vacation?
Pencil-Vania.
What do flies eat for breakfast?
A bowl of poop loops.
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.
What did the duck do when he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Why was the tomato all red?
It saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a female magician in the dessert?
A sand witch.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
I hurt my foot driving the other day. You know what I called?
The toe company.
What does a dinosaur use to pay bills?
Tyrannosaurus checks.
