Popular jokes (9316 to 9330)

“The ditch-digger did

“The ditch-digger didn't just quit, he yelled, 'Take this job and shovel it!'”

A seventy-six-year-old man mar

A seventy-six-year-old man married a woman less than half his age and took her off on honeymoon to the Caribbean. When he returned home, his sister asked him how it had gone.
"Oh, it was wonderful," he said, "We made love almost every night."
"That's quite a feat at your age," said the sister.
"Yes," he continued. "Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."

A Prayer Upon Waking

Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.

Water into Wine

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

“When the swimmer rec

“When the swimmer recovered from her stroke she decided to dive right into kicking her bad habits.”

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then . . .

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then…

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopo...

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

How Can You Tell When a Blonde Has Been By Your Computer?

Q: How can you tell when a blonde been by your computer?

A: There is cheese by the mouse.

 I Have A Microsoft Waiter

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check: 
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00 

Really funny jokes-Safety briefing

The manager hired a new secret

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

I Sent My Son to Israel...

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a

year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his

knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his

son to Israel to experience his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you

for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It

was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that

while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best

friend and sought his advice and solace.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his

friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a

Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the

Rabbi.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the

Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a

Christian. What is happening to our sons?" "Brothers, we must

take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

So they fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out

their hearts to the Almighty.

As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated,

"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to

Israel . . ."

Proctologist''s Accident

What kind of accident did the proctologist have?

He was rear-ended!

There Is A Blind Man Here To See You

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

Driver Illegally Parks

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."