Popular jokes (9376 to 9390)

Tell your age #jokes #humor

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."

“Don't you just hate

“Don't you just hate it when folks that get hit in the head, jump to concussions?”

A sales clerk asked his boss h

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.
"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

Million Dollar Smile

I decided to make sure my wife had a smile on her face every morning...
Now I can’t keep sharpies in the house anymore.

Did you hear that God is being

Did you hear that God is being sued for not allowing sinners into Heaven? The plaintiffs allege grace-based discrimination.

Outer Space exists because it ...

Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Miscellaneous Terms

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

The Buddhist at the Dentist

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication!

Room With A View

A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?"

The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dressing room?"

Facts of life...

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

According to a study, According to a study, Julius had strokes, not epilepsy. So don't call him Caesar.

#joke #short

Water into Wine

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Really funny jokes-No stock

First time in the big city...

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

Lightbulb Joke Collection 55

Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.
Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.
Q: How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how good the old one was.
Q: How many barbershoppers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 7. 1 to change the light bulb, 4 to sing about how much they miss the old one and 2 to sell tickets to the "afterglow".
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.