Popular jokes (961 to 975)

A wife went to the police stat...

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

A government employee sat in h...

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

A little old lady goes into th...

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand,"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny,strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

Ralphie May - Dora the Explorer

Have you seen this show? If you havent, its about a five-year-old little Mexican girl thats always lost. It should be called Dora the Amber Alert.

A pain in the leg

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"

Grounds for divorce...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Problem With Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey José.

Which Haunted House

SON: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
DAD: What's wrong with the one we live in?
SON: Huh?
DAD: Goodnight...

Two elderly women were out dri...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

The ABC's of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

Bar Ladder

Q: Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
A: She heard drinks were on the house.

Demetri Martin: Cool Leather

I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, That is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. Thats when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.

Jim Gaffigan: The Book vs. the Movie

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? Theyre always so condescending. Ah, the book was much better than the movie. Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego...

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble”

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said theblonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."