Popular jokes (9601 to 9615)

 Knock Knock Collection 106

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juicy!
Juicy who!
Juicy what I just saw!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julia!
Julia who!
Julia want to come in!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julia!
Julia who!
Julia want some milk and cookies!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Julie!
Julie who!
Julie you door unlocked?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juliet!
Juliet who!
Juliet me in or not!

Feel Like Curtains?

A patient sobs to his doctor, “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor replies, “Well pull yourself together man!”

A woman is dancing happily dow

A woman is dancing happily down the railroad tracks, singing to herself "...21 ...21 ...21..." 
After a little while, an Antartian walks up to her. She observes for a minute and then asks, "What are you doing?" 
The woman does not answer and keeps singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..." So the Antartian jumps on the tracks and follows her dancing and starts singing "...21 ...21 ...21 ..." A little later a train comes down the tracks. The woman jumps off, but the Antartian keeps dancing and singing to her self and gets hit by the train. 
The woman gets back on the track and starts dancing and singing again, "...22 ...22 ...22 ..."

The breast reduction industry

The breast reduction industry is a real juggernot.

When Uncle Charlie died of old

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle'sprized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitudeand a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those thatweren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly sayingpolite words, playing soft music--anything he could think of to try andset a good example... Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at thebird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But thebird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, andscreaming...
Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might havehurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I amtruly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actionand I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth,endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburstnever again occurs."
Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and wasabout to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrotcontinued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

A city boy was visiting the co

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy breasts, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, bugger!!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

There was a baby born in the h

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed five pounds.
All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.
The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
"Why?" asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

Where d

Where do hens go to lay eggs?

Blondes working on a house

Two blondes were working on a house. The one

who was nailing down siding would reach into

his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss

it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,

figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out

of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw

it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed

toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and

yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward

you aren't defective! They're for the other side

of the house!"

Last request...

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning.

Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.

But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special.

When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard.

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like, is to sing my favorite song, the whole thing, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

The Southern Girl

The Liberal Northerner's son graduated from college and was offered a good job, but it was in the Deep South.

Dad, a liberal Democrat, was worried about his son going off to such a strange land and he warned him to avoid entanglements with southern women.

"They can't cook the kind of food we northerners eat, they won't keep the house clean, they don't like sex, and if you marry one, she'll call you a Damn Yankee the rest of your life. "

After a few months, the son telephoned Dad and told him he had just met a wonderful Southern girl, and thought he was in love with her.

Dad repeated his warnings about Southern women and their shortcomings.

After another couple of months, the son called Dad and told him he and his Southern girl were getting married. Dad just moaned and groaned and repeated his warnings.

Two more months go by and son telephones Dad......"Dad, you were wrong. My wife is a great cook, keeps the house neat as a pin, and she absolutely loves sex."

Dad responded, "Well, what about the fourth thing -- her calling you a Damn Yankee?"

"Oh, we reached an agreement on that. She won't call me a Damn Yankee, and I won't call her the N word.

Heaven and Hell

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."

I can't help but stare a...

I can't help but stare at large mansions, especially since my wife always tells me to watch my manors.

Italian neighbor

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: 

"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...." 

A psychiatrist was conducting ...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."