Popular jokes (9616 to 9630)

Lazy people should consider a ...

Lazy people should consider a course in languor management.

17 days

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"

Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

A woman goes to her doctor who

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is herfirst pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. Shereplies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much willchildbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancyto pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away.

A guy runs into his office, we

A guy runs into his office, wearing only a hat and carrying a briefcase. His boss stops him and says, "What are you doing, Cliff? Do you realize you're naked? Shouldn't this be your day off?"
Cliff calmly explains that he was on a party when suddenly the lights went out. Some voice said, "Gentleman, take off your ties." Somebody turned on the lights again and not a single guy was wearing a tie.
The situation repeated - the lights went out, but this time the voice said "Gentleman, strip naked." When the light went back on, the ladies started giggling and clapping their hands becuase all the guys were naked.
The lights went out again and this time the voice said, "Ladies, take your clothes off!" When the light came back on, all the ladies were naked.
The same voice said, "Gentleman, now get to work!"
"So I grabbed my hat and briefcase and came here, sir."

A Woman's Experience With...

A Woman's Experience With Children

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother.

Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Breast Exam Poem

For years and years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,

And protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,

My doctor found a lump.

She ordered up a mammogram,

To look inside that bump.

"Stand up very close" she said.

As she got my boob in line,

"And tell me when it hurts" she said.

"Ah yes! There, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal.

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate pressed down and down,

My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,

From way up under my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed,

To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt.

Within it's vice-like grip.

A prisoner in this viscous thing,

My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,

Who does she think she's kidding?

My chest is mashed in her machine,

And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say

As the room was slowly swaying.

"Now, let's have a go at the other one."

Lord have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down.

It squeezed me from both sides.

I'll bet she's never had this done,

Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have popped, "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,

Of this, I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick his balls in there,

And see how they come out!

Birthday Gift

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Only in America...... Only in America......

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
• do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

#joke #animal #dog #food #pizza #fries #drinks #coke

THE DA VINCI CODE
(abridge...

THE DA VINCI CODE
(abridged version for blondes)

There is no greater mystic power
Than the scent that rises from a woman's flower
But its glory quickly fades away
Be wise, young ladies - and seize the day!

A defendant in a lawsuit invol...

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

 Keep That A Secret

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."

When I mistook the piece of cr

When I mistook the piece of crap for the sausage, my day immediately took a turd for the wurst.

Wok and Roll

Q: What's a wok?

A: Something you throw at a wabbit.

Doing the Bare Minimum

As a kid, I got lectured for only doing the bare minimum to complete a task.
As an engineer, I get paid to do just that.