Popular jokes (9661 to 9675)

A man wakes up in the hospital

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.” The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.” The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?” “I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor. “She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We're getting a new kitchen.”

A tyrant is like bad weather:

A tyrant is like bad weather: The reign never lets up.

Little girl

A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

'What is that?' asked the child pointing to the penis.

'Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,' replied the mother.

'I want one,' said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

'I want one just like that,' she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, 'if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.'

'And if I'm bad?' asked the little one.

'Then,' sighed the mother, 'you will have many.'

85 Years Old

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

“Lungs are a pair of

“Lungs are a pair of windbags.”

Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, w

Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, were deep in a philosophical argument.
"Since you're so damned smart," Sarah says, "answer this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it's bound to fall on the buttered side?"
Jane snorts, "It doesn't always land on the buttered side. Here, I'll prove it." She gets out the loaf of bread from the cupboard. Out comes the butter from the fridge. She generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter side up.
"Ha-ha! See?!"
"You think you're so smart. You just buttered the wrong side of the bread!"

If you get nostalgic about chi

If you get nostalgic about childhood camping trips you are just living in the past tents.

Johnny wanted to get his mom s

Johnny wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store he thought, "Hmm, a pet might be a good idea." He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea. "How about a puppy?" "No," said Johnny. "It may poop around the house." "A fish?" "No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit." Johnny then spied a parrot and asked, "How about that parrot?" "Oh," said the manager, "That’s Chet. He’s very expensive." "Well," said Johnny, "It’s my mom let’s take a look." The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, "Dashing through the snow..." "Wow!" said Johnny, "What else does he sing?" The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

 Question Answer 05

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!
Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!
What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!

Three Wishes from a Genie

The pastoral associate, the associate pastor, and the pastor are taking a shortcut to a meeting. As they walk through a vacant lot, the trio stumbles on an ancient oil lamp. On a lark they rub it, and to their amazement a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish.The pastoral associate cries out, “I want to be on an island paradise, lolling in the sun without a care!” The genie waves his hand and she disappears in a puff of smoke.The associate pastor jumps up and says, “I want to be walking through the halls of the Vatican, marveling at all the artwork and never have to go to another meeting as long as I live.” He too disappears.Scowling, the pastor says to the genie,” I want t hose two back in time for the meeting.”

It's your turn...

St.Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?"

St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." .

The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for that..",

St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" ,

The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..."

St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!"

A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer on your side ...?!"

Carpenters enjoy showering. Th...

Carpenters enjoy showering. They work up a good lather.

Really funny jokes-Never say no to customer

hot dog

Two immigrants arrived in America.

On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street.

"Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.

"I dunno."

"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to

do as they do."

So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench.

One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?"

Female astronauts

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing