Popular jokes (9646 to 9660)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Thank You for This Food
A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
A misplaced comma can cause a ...
A misplaced comma can cause a lot of confusion. Did you know that Nicholas Cage auditioned for Dirty, Hairy?Atoms And A Buddhist
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
Chuck Norris once pulled out a...
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.Several days before Halloween,
Several days before Halloween, Tom, Dick and Harry were sitting in a bar enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Christmas raffle.Since the raffle was for charity, they bought five tickets each. When the raffle was drawn a few days later, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - a six month supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
The next time they met at the bar, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"Me too," replied Dick.
"And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry groaned, "I reckon I'll go back to toilet paper."
A man goes to the doctors and
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
Got gas?
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
Why did the blonde t
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter
From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
Words of wisdom...
Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Send my luggage....
Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.
Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.
A judge in his golden years de
A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just..."
"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.
"I know," said the librarian, "but the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica?"
Looks are deceiving...
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
