Popular jokes (9871 to 9885)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
You boys been drinkin?
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
Nate Bargatze: Comedy for the Troops
When you do comedy to troops you stay on an army base, but in Bahrain you could actually leave the base and go to the downtown Bahrain. When you go out there theyre like, Look, its safe just dont draw attention to yourself. Dont wear American t-shirts and stuff. And youre like, All right thats fine, no American t-shirts. So what are you going to do about the white on my skin?The satisfaction of telling pe
The satisfaction of telling people to go to hell is eff ‘emeral.“A contest between ch
“A contest between church choirs is the battle of the choral see.”
Matt Braunger: Drunk Batman
Getting drunk in costume is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us. Its just true. Do you know how fun it is being drunk Batman? Trying to solve the case of why am I not pissing on my best friends car right now? Ah -- case closed. Hey Braunger stop pissing on my car! Whos Braunger? Im Batman taking a Bat-piss.Lightbulb Joke Collection 74
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Farm.
Note: Refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques of the past.
Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
Q: How many alt.freaks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just all move into a room with a working light.
Doctor's poker game...
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Two drunks were in a bar party
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!""Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
Three old men were talking abo
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
Talks to plants on their own level.
Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
The butter slipped off his noodle.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
The perfect personality to write software manuals.
The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
Ecumenical Greenbacks
My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.
Old flame...
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.
"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
