Popular jokes (9871 to 9885)

Arctic Hooker

Q: What is a hooker in Alaska called?

A: A frostitute.

TGIF

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he

entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and

she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."

He

smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him,

puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her

remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was

trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and

said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a

quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally

decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,

Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered,

"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

“I tried asking my de

“I tried asking my dentist out but she brushed me off. Don't worry it was her floss.”

 Quotes From Stupid 01

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway
"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio
"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer
"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio
"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.
"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

Yo Mama Is So Nasty

Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo mama so nasty she made right guard turn left.
Yo mama so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo mama so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.
Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.

“I have a difficult t

“I have a difficult time discerning fine jewelry. I guess I've been out of the loupe too long.”

New York State of Mind

Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

Three engineers and three acco

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

Give a man a fish and he will

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Which gaming app will get you

Which gaming app will get you in trouble? Poke a Man.

An app-based bra-sharing servi

An app-based bra-sharing service: Büber. The competition is Lift.

Death and Taxes

Death and taxes are inevitable...
But at least death doesn't get worse every year!

“What do you call an

“What do you call an expensive shoe? A cashew.”

Give Him An Orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

Harlow was fixing a door and h

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so hesent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy,and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.