Popular jokes (1021 to 1035)

Adam and Eve

Why did god create Adam before he created Eve?
- Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Re-Marry My Ex-Wife

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife…
But she figured out I was only after my money!

Camouflage Practice

Camouflage Practice

Chuck Norris, who had grown ti...

Chuck Norris, who had grown tired of easy victories in fights, once fought himself to the death and won.

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog...

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses

Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better. This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship. Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: “Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.”Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time. “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.” On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.”Church sign: “Jesus Saves!” Safeway sign across the street: “Safeway saves you more!” -

Daniel Tosh: Blaming the Amish

Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'F**k that.'

The first thing i do when i wake up

The first thing i do when i wake up: Try to sleep again!

Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

9-1-1, what is your emergency?

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

"Help! I was hunting in the woods with my friend, and he suddenly dropped dead for no reason! Oh my God, I'm freaking out!!"

"Calm down, sir, we'll get you through this. The first thing we need to do is make sure that your friend really is dead."

"All right, hold on a second."

BLAM!

"Okay, now what?"

One night a man walked into a

One night a man walked into a bar with an alligator.
He stood up on the counter and announced, "If i stick my cock and balls into this gators mouth, let the gator shut his jaws and pull them out without a scratch on 'em you'll all buy me a drink."
The crowed looked up at the man and nodded with glee.
So the man whipped out his cock and balls and stuck them in the gators mouth then shut the gators jaws.
A few moments later he hit it on the head with a beer bottle and the gators mouth flung open, he pulled his genitalia out without a scratch.
As he was collecting his first free drink he looked to the crowed and asked if anybody would like to try.
A hush blew over the crowed.
All of a sudden a hand shot up in the back. "I would," said the blond lady, "if you promise not to hit me in the head with a beer bottle."

Repentance

On her way back from the concession stand, Sandra asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?"
Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did."
Sandra nodded, "Oh, good. Then this is my row."

It was horrible

A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.

However, little did Bob know that the plant manager was going to be a tough customer to please.

With a broad smile and a reassuring tone, Bob handed the plant manager a beautiful box of cigars as a gift, but the man barely gave it a sideways glance before he said,

"No cigars for me, thank you. I smoked one once, and it was horrible."

Bob is nothing if not prepared, so he offered to take the plant manager out for a few beers, but again the suggestion missed the mark.

"No alcohol for me, thank you. I drank it once, and it was horrible."

Not ready to give up just yet, Bob got a bright idea as he looked out the window and saw people playing golf.

"That's quite alright," he told the plant manager.

"How about you come and play a round of golf at my club as my personal guest?"

However, for the third time, Bob's luck struck out, as the plant manager replied,

"No golf for me, thank you. I played the sport once, and it was horrible.

" The plant manager had barely finished his sentence when a young man joined them at the table.

"Let me introduce my son, Jason,"

the plant manager said. Surprised, Bob gave the young man a quick once over before he replied,

"Let me guess, he is an only child?"

Cows don't grow on trees

Cows don't grow on trees. Unless they're heifergreen.

I love this story – from the blonde files

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, 'I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.'
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: 'I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.
She immediately got up and said, 'okay, thank you'. She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, 'I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York.'