Popular jokes (1036 to 1050)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Crazy people don't know they are crazy
Crazy people don't know they are crazy, I know i'm crazy therefore i'm not crazy. Isn't that crazy.Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
New short Jokes to start day with laugh
My local supermarket is exchanging old novels for certain root vegetables.
That's a turnip for the books.
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It ain’t stroganoff!
Someone stole my broken calculator, but I don't know why.
It just doesn't add up.
When I was a boy, "The Jetsons" gave me unrealistic expectations about the future
. . . like having a job, a loving family, and a dog.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory
A guy walks into a bar and people start lining up to punch him
Yeah that’s the punchline
How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
Wave!
The Ultimate Computer
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'
A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'
The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'
Marry A Lawyer
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?", pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
Golf on Christmas...
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'."
A few years in the desert...
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
Skinny Dippers
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Time Machine
A scientist was convinced that his recent Time Machine invention could also double as a replicator.
To prove this, he sent his pet duck 1 minute and 2 minutes into the future simultaneously.
After a minute, the first duck appeared unharmed.
The second duck materialized and both ducks were instantly annihilated.
The appearance of the second duck had created a pair of ducks.
by Jester57
Who's the Boss
I'm at my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at the coffin...
"Who's thinking outside the box now, Gary?"
Daniel Tosh: Blaming the Amish
Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'F**k that.' The first thing i do when i wake up
The first thing i do when i wake up: Try to sleep again! 
