Popular jokes (1051 to 1065)

Honesty Policy

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

A pastor goes to the dentist f...

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened.
The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.

Drinking again

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Q: How do you count cows?

Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.

The Sparrow

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

Favourite cuisines

A prison inmate’s favourite cuisine is Cajun.

A dominatrix’s favourite cuisine: Thai.

A bridgesbuilder’s favourite: Spanish.

Race car driver’s favourite: Russian.

Track and field star’s favourite: Polish.

My beautiful family

I always wanted to win the lottery. But when i looked at my beautiful family, i realized i already have.

I love sleeping

I love sleeping but i never want to go to sleep early… We stay up late every night, regret it every morning. Then do it all over again.

Dane Cook: Dropping Your Phone in Your Own Piss

Im in a new club, by the way. And I dont know if youre first timers like I am, but Im in the I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. Im on the phone and I forget that Im using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as Im standing there, mid-conversation, Im like Are you serious? and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

Punishment for Missing Church

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says...

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of h two o". The second says "I'll have a glass of h two o too".

They both get a glass of water because the bartender isn't a moron, and anyway what kind of bar even keeps hydrogen peroxide let alone sell it by the glass?

A man jumps the fence into a tiger enclosure...

A man jumps the fence into a tiger enclosure, saying God would protect him.
He is quickly eaten and finds himself at the pearly gates before God.
"Why did you not protect me from the tigers?" the man asks. "I tried to," God replies. "What did you think the fence was for?"

Time Machine

A scientist was convinced that his recent Time Machine invention could also double as a replicator.
To prove this, he sent his pet duck 1 minute and 2 minutes into the future simultaneously.
After a minute, the first duck appeared unharmed.
The second duck materialized and both ducks were instantly annihilated.
The appearance of the second duck had created a pair of ducks.

by Jester57

Don't try this at home

They say don't try this at home… So i'm going to go to my friends house and try it

A Pygmy with a club

An adventurer travels through the jungle and is suddenly confronted by an unusual sight: fallen trees and trampled vegetation as if something gigantic has forced its way through. He decides to investigate.

After walking for a few minutes, he sees a dead elephant lying on its side and a pygmy jumping up and down with excitement on top of the fallen elephant. The adventurer inquires as to what is going on.

"The elephant, sir," explains the pygmy. "The elephant has gone mad. 'Tis terrible. Elephants are wise and friendly, but when an elephant goes mad, it destroys everything in its path. It cannot be reasoned with, no sir, and it cannot be helped in any way. Unfortunately, when it happens, the elephant has to be put down."

The adventurer inquires, "But how did you kill such a gigantic animal?"

"I killed it with a club," helpfully explains the pygmy.

"It must have been a big club," observes the adventurer.

"Yes, sir, a very big club indeed," says the pygmy. "We have over 300 members!"