Popular jokes (10246 to 10260)

Got gas?

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

Two brothers were always getti

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

A 55-year-old man who was born

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and whose lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend.
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.
Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

Pooping outdoors is usually a

Pooping outdoors is usually a spoor of the moment decision.

When Kim Jung Un was a kid he

When Kim Jung Un was a kid he would stay up all night with his ballistic missiles. The neighbours always complained he was creating quite a rocket.

One Sunday, in counting the mo

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, thepastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelopecontaining $1,000. It happened again the next week. The followingSunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a littleold lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went onfor weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her."Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week inthe collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Innkeeper: "The room is $1

Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

There was a father and his lit...

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.

The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms for?"

The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?"

The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"

The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"

The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

Guilty As You

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

The proud papa...

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"

The satisfaction of telling pe

The satisfaction of telling people to go to hell is eff ‘emeral.

An elderly woman decided to pr...

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

Hear about the diet soft drink

Hear about the diet soft drink for Boomers? Empty Nestea.

Dogs in Heaven

Dear God,
When I get to heaven, can I sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Also, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Thank You God,
The Dog
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus

Numbers Equal Zero

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.