Popular jokes (10561 to 10575)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Writing To Grandma
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother,
I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,
Mike
A man lying on his deathbed ca...
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"
A blonde woman in Georgia boug
A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation."Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager.
"Good," she replied. "What is it?"
"Autumn!" he said.
Clever Toddlers
Two students were talking about their childhood.
"I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."
"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me until I was three!"
A collection of insults!
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
Feared Meeting
I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it.
The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.
'I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy,' I told her.
'Oh,' she said. 'Say hi to Mommy for me.'
Woman
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Email of the species
The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.The Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years.The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the course on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
What does that mean?
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard.Their son walked in and said "whats that mean?".
The parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen.
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats.
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "whats that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again ther kid came in and said "whats that mean?"
The mom said thats was what she was doing to the turkey, then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey!
A little boy came home with hi
A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".
A policeman's eyes
A policeman pulls a man over.
"Sir," he says, "I noticed that your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
"Officer," responds the man, "I noticed that your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
