Popular jokes (10561 to 10575)

Did you hear about Monica Lewi

Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Phallic symbol

Camilla had come to see Dr. Hardy.

When the shrink began using sexual terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"

"A phallic symbol," explained Hardy, "represents the phallus."

"What's a phallus?" asked Camilla.

"Well," said the analyst, "The best way to explain it is to show you."

He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his pecker.

"This is a phallus."

"Oh," said the girl. "It's like a prick, only smaller."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

 Oregon Crazy Law

Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.

Dishes must drip dry.

It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.

You may not pump your own gas in service stations.

The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.

One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e.,that which covers one's body from neck to knee.

Beaverton

You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.

Eugene

It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.

It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. (Repealed in the 1970s)

Hood River

Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.

Klamath Falls

It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.

Portland

People may not whistle underwater.

It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. (Repealed in 1989)

You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.

Marion

Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Myrtle Creek

One may not box with a kangaroo.

Salem

Women may not wrestle in Salem.

Springfield

It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.

Stanfield

No more than two people may share a single drink.

Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.

#joke #doctor #animal #horse #snake #kangaroo #pet #food #onion #garlic #eating #sport #fishing #wedding

“I went out with a co

“I went out with a coal miner's daughter. I guess you could say I was carbon dated.”

There were two cannibals who c

There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"

Barber Shop Outing

Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, 'How do you want your haircut?'
The man says, ' I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.'
The barber looks puzzled and says, 'I'm not sure I can do that.'
The customer says, 'Why not, you did it that way last time.'

So a man dies, goes to Heaven,...

So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice." The man then asks, "So where is George Bush's clock?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"

The parents of that kid Falcon...

The parents of that kid Falcon were absolute balloonatics.

“The two pianists had...

“The two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.”

The nurse was administering me

The nurse was administering medication to an elderly patient. "Hi, I have your medication for you. I'm going to give you some Pepcid for your stomach, but I'm putting it in your IV."
The patient looked a bit perplexed. "Okay, Um, I have a question."
"Oh, what's your question?"
"Well, I hope you don't mind me asking, but I was just wondering...why Pepsi and not Coke?"

Defining Moments

What does "The Devil is in the details" mean?
It means the government just passed the budget.

tricycle

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?

It is the one with the kickstand.

Did you hear about t

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Sunday prayer...

Have you heard about 4-year-old Sammy who was asked to return thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:

"Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an' Susan, an' Billy, an' Tommy," and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.

Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Finally he got to the food.

"Thank you God for the turkey, an' the dressing, an' the fruit salad, an' the pies, an' the Cool Whip..."

And then he paused.

The pause was almost deafening, and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.

Finally (almost when Father was about to interject an "Amen"), Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

6 Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." 
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." 
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." 
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" 
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. 
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". 

 

"Yeah, my wife..."