Popular jokes (10591 to 10605)

Two roaches were munching on g

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

The Old Lady!

One day a guy walks into a bar and sees this jar of money, so he goes up to the bartender and asked him what it was for he says well where having a contest. You see that guy over there you have to tap him on the shoulder and knock him out in one punch. The guy says I can do that. Then he says next you have to go in that cage over there and there is a dog in there he has all the rabies in the world you have to pull out three of his teeth.He says I can do that. Then the bartender says next you have to FUCK that old lady over there, the man syas no I won't do that. He has a couple of beers then puts his money in the jar and then taps the guy on the shoulder and knocks him out in one punch. hen goes in the cage and comes out 3 minutes later and says where is the old lyady that needs her teeth pulled.

A collection of insults!

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.

Man alive! But I wish you weren't.

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.

You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.

You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.

I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.

There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.

I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

Feared Meeting

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it.
The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.
'I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy,' I told her.
'Oh,' she said. 'Say hi to Mommy for me.'

 

 

Actual newspaper headlines....

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Email of the species

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

Dentist Knows Best

Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally, someone who understands me."

Shining Happy People
Shining Happy People

#joke #short

Many Hands

A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."

Complete vs Finish

Wife: "What is difference between complete and finish?"
Husband: "When you met me, you were complete. When I met you, I was finished."

Things heard at a proctolog

Things heard at a proctologist's office...
"Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do theHokey Pokey...
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"Remind me never to become an altar boy."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!!"
"Deflector shields: Down!"
"How long have you been in politics?"

 Irish Pub Jokes

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

#joke

I only eat spoiled foods. I

I only eat spoiled foods. I'm on a microbe biotic diet.

Bought A Bad Computer

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
   
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
   
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
   
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
   
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
   
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
   The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
   The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
   The only chip inside is a Dorito.
   You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
   

Like a door knob

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn.