Popular jokes (10831 to 10845)

A Fishy Tale...

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

“People who lack the ...

“People who lack the patience for calligraphy will never have properly formed characters.”

Some new vocabulary

arachnoleptic fit, noun:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug, noun:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

bozone, noun:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.

cashtration, noun:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

caterpallor, noun:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

dopelar effect, noun:
(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
(2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

extraterrestaurant, noun:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.

foreploy, noun:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

Grantartica, noun:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

intaxication, noun:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

kinstirpation, noun:
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.

lullabuoy, noun:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Snakes are looking just for a

Snakes are looking just for a place to be long.

Pagan Wives

Q: Why do pagan girls make the best wives?
A: Because they will worship the ground you walk on.

Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, w

Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, were deep in a philosophical argument.
"Since you're so damned smart," Sarah says, "answer this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it's bound to fall on the buttered side?"
Jane snorts, "It doesn't always land on the buttered side. Here, I'll prove it." She gets out the loaf of bread from the cupboard. Out comes the butter from the fridge. She generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter side up.
"Ha-ha! See?!"
"You think you're so smart. You just buttered the wrong side of the bread!"

When seeking to ignite his own

When seeking to ignite his own farts, why did the Moroccan fellow prefer using a powerful blowtorch, as opposed to a simple matchstick?

Going Fishing

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department

store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get

anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman

before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came

around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make

today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish

hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him

a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where

he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat

department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.

Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I

took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his

wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go

fishing.'"

Yo Mama So Ugly

yo mama so eglu even canbales are afard of her.

Two men were sitting at a bar

Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony.
The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me."
So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says.
The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground.
The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink.
As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."

The Healing Power of Holy Water?

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen."Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?""Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.

The Duck and the Condom

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Saving the President...

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidently tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below...

Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore.

He was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward."

The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!"

"I'll take you there myself!!!" exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordans."

"I'll buy them for you myself," says Bill

"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, "But son you don't look like you are handicapped to me"

The boy says, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out that I saved you from drowning!!"

 Chemistry Song 06

The Twelve Days of Chemistry
On the first day of chemistry
My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.
(second day) two asbestos pads
(third day) three little beakers
(fourth day) four work sheets
(fifth day) five golden moles
(sixth day) six flaming test tubes
(seventh day) seven unknown samples
(eighth day) eight homework problems
(ninth day) nine grams of salt
(tenth day) a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz

Hollywood Squares Great Answers from 1960's TV

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at n*dist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Big thanks to Marty Edelman for sharing