Popular jokes (10816 to 10830)

Bible movie remakes? B

Bible movie remakes? Ben Hur, done that.

While being serenaded in a che

While being serenaded in a cheesy Italian restaurant, you should behave accordionly.

Do Cats Go to Heaven?

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

 Knock Knock Collection 180

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tripoli!
Tripoli who?
Tripoli play!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tsongas!
Tsongas who?
Tsongas you're here, lets tell some Knock Knock
jokes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tuna!
Tuna who?
Tuna piano and it'll sound better!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tunis!
Tunis who?
Tunis company, three's a crowd!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Turin!
Turin who?
Turin to a vampire on Halloween!

God made us both...

"Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me" the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man replied.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her little mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job, lately, isn't he?"

Answering Machine Message 137

Hi, you've reached Meredith's room. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed, so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself together.

Monastery on a Cliff

There was a monastery perched high on a cliff. The only way to reach it was by riding in a basket, which several monks hauled up to the top.
The ride was steep, and to those who visited, it was terrifying.
One visitor was extremely nervous. Halfway up the ascent, he saw that the rope holding the basket was a bit frayed. He frantically asked the monk next to him how frequently the rope was changed.
After a brief silence, the monk replied, “Whenever it breaks.”
From "Moses' Favorite Travel Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

I accidentally got castrated b

I accidentally got castrated before Christmas. But at least I'm off Santa's naddy list.

Knock, Knock at the Convent

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

A Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan .
'This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

Bad Advice

I went to the doctors recently. He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What, like bacon and burgers?"
He said, "No, I mean you, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

"Dick Cheney feels respon...

"Dick Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f**k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it." -- Bill Maher

Bean soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The ci

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.
The forms - with such lines as, "If we can tax it, we will," - were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.
The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called "misguided" by city Finance Director John Lyons.
Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.
Among the lines that city officials didn't think were very funny was this one:
"Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."
Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.

A wife catches her husband mas

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him.
The husband: "Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!"