Popular jokes (10861 to 10875)

Texting for Seniors

IMPORTANT – in today’s social media driven world, those of us over 60 need to learn the new CTSFOF’s “Common Text Symbols for Old Farts) Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).

Bill, Jim and Scott were stayi

Bill, Jim and Scott were staying in a 75-story hotel. One afternoon they were told that the elevators were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room on the top floor.
Bill said, "The climb will go faster if we distract ourselves. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
Bill started telling jokes and didn't stop until the 26th floor. Then Jim began to sing and kept going until the 51st floor. Then Jim stopped singing and told Scott to start telling sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," Scott said. "Once upon a time there was a man who left his hotel room key in the car..."

A Crazy Person in the Woods

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?
A: They take the psycho path.

Yo Mama so poor

Yo mama so poor...

...when I rang the doorbell of her house the toilet flushed

...when I went through front door of her house I ended up in the backyard

...when I went into her house and stepped on a ciggarette, she said,"hey who turned off the heater?"

...when I went into her house a cockroach tripped me and an ant stole my wallet.

“Caesar thought it wo

“Caesar thought it would be smart to walk through the forum one evening. Beware the ideas of March.”

 The Snowman

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Freeze

“The Pinwheel joke di

“The Pinwheel joke didn't go around fast enough.”

Mr. Johnson had been retired f

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 yearssuggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and makewild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottleof seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr.Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasickpills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know,since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising theworld?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles ofseasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. Thepharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, whythe hell do you do it?"

 The Cesium Song 13

Cesium's Strange
(Tune, People are strange - The Doors)
Cesium's strange,
when you're a stranger
Consummate danger,
ready to blow.
Water is wicked,
wet and unwanted,
Folks are unfriendly,
when you glow.
Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
Don't you remember the pain?
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane ---
Cesium's strange,
pregnant with danger,
Hand the next stranger
a kilo or two.
Pour on the water,
lamb at the slaughter,
Bathe in the light
that is blue, sky-blue!
Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You'll always remember the pain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane ---
--- Songs of Cesium #13

Lawyers Off Bridge...

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?

Pollution.

What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?

Solution.

1. You may not have more than

1. You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
2. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
3. There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
4. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
5. Hunting camels is prohibited.
6. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
7. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
8. Cars may not be driven in reverse.
9. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
10. If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
11. No more than six girls may live in any house.
12. It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
13. A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
14. An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
15. No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
16. Women may not wear pants.
17. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Could only happen in the...

Could only happen in the USA - or could it?

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who remove themselves from it in really stupid ways. ...

This year's nine nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards ..... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)

Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]:

A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.

Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)

Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.)

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles.

The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???

(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)

Solution To The Y2K Problem

The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don't shake it.

Please, always be alert and wa

Please, always be alert and watch out for the people around you.
Yesterday, when I was on a sidewalk making my way home, a man came to me and drew scissors.
I was panicked so I immediately responded with a rock.
Imagine if I was not alert, I might have accidentally answered with paper and lost the game.

A man asks his friend for a ci

A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking."
The man says, "I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying."