Popular jokes (10876 to 10890)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Greatest Comedian in the Bible
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?A. Samson. He brought the house down.Your Dreams
"Don't give up on your dreams."
"Really? You mean it?"
"Yeah, just keep sleeping."
Attending a wedding for the fi...
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"Eyebrows
An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.
The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.
The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."
The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."
The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."
The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."
The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."
Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."
Handsome says, "You're on!"
Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."
He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.
The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"
The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci and yisman
Business One-liners 69
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
If you are coasting, you're going downhill.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.
A Shirt for Her Husband
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit PERFECTLY around his neck."
Actual Notes From Doctors' Patient Charts...
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
26. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who feltwe should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no otherabnormalities.
One sunny day, Todd greeted hi...
One sunny day, Todd greeted his parents with excitement, asking them to sit down in the living room for his announcement."I have great news! I'm getting married to the most beautiful woman in town. She only lives a block away from you. Her name is Susan."
His parents congratulated him, but after dinner, his father pulled him aside. "Son, I'm sorry, but I have to tell you something. I love your mother dearly after 30 years of marriage, but we've never had much excitement in our intimate life. I used to fool around a lot, and Susan is actually your half-sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Todd was devastated and angry with his father, and he broke off the engagement. A year later, he was finally dating again, and one day he came home to tell them, "Lori said yes! We want to get married this July."
His father pulled him aside once more. "I'm sorry son, but she's your half-sister, too."
Todd was furious with his father. Once would have been bad enough, but twice was more than he could take. He decided to tell his mother what had been going on.
Bracing for her reaction, he said, "I guess I'll never get married. Every time I'm ready to marry, he tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother patted his cheek. "Don't pay a bit of attention to what he says," she told him. "He's not really your father."
The 87 year old said; "Well, I
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy sh*t ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"
“How did the policema
“How did the policeman catch the grave robber? He crypt up on him.”
Be careful what you wear (or d...
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working underyour vehicle...especially in public.
From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.
