Popular jokes (11041 to 11055)

The Healing Power of Holy Water?

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.

What do u call a seagull flyin

What do u call a seagull flying over the bay?A bagel.

Raccoon Paradise, aka the r

Raccoon Paradise, aka the Garden of Feedin'.

Degrees....

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with that?'

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos an...

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!

When Kim Jung Un was a kid he

When Kim Jung Un was a kid he would stay up all night with his ballistic missiles. The neighbours always complained he was creating quite a rocket.

 You Are In California

You Know You're In California When...

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
   
2. You were born somewhere else.
   
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
   
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
   
5. Your car has bulletproof windows.
   
6. Left is right and right is wrong.
   
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
   
8. Your mouse has only one ball.
   
9. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
   
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
    
11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
    
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
    
13. Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
    
14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
    
15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
    
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
    
17. More than clothes come out of the closets.
    
18. When 'the Dead' are best live.
    
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
    
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
    
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
    
22. Smoking in your office is not optional.
    
23. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
    
24. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
    
25. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
    
26. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
    
27. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
    
28. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
    
29. When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
    
30. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
    
31. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
    

Eecho from ridge

“He said I could never get an echo from his ridge, but I called his bluff.”

Born-Again Hindu

A zealous Christian who was trying to convert a Hindu found himself getting nowhere. "The thing is," argued the frustrated Christian, "you have to be born again!"
"But I have been born again!" insisted the Hindu. "And again and again and again ..."

God and Adam...

In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

And Adam said, "What's a river?"

And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."

And Adam said, "What is a hill?"

And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

And Adam said, "What's a cave?"

And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"

So God explained to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back.

God patiently replied, as He always does, "Yes... how can I help you?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

A guy is sitting at home alone

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

Get Me Off This Train

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:
Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"
Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."

“If you can't differ

“If you can't differentiate a blue collar and white collar worker by his hands, it is callous indifference.”

Q: How do you drown a blonde i

Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine?
A: Knock on the door.

Kevin Hart: No Longer Safe

Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. Thats scary as hell because thats her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.