Popular jokes (11026 to 11040)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
People who collect nail trimmi
People who collect nail trimmings, aka, clipped-toe maniacs.Two husbands were discussing t...
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. The Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.”“Wow!’ said Sherman, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
Scratch that Itch
Pool Player #1: "I nicknamed the cue ball on my pool table 'Itch'."
Pool Player #2: "Why?"
Pool Player #1: "I'm always scratching it!"
Witches On Brooms
Q. Why donât witches wear underwear?A. To get a better grip on the broom!
Reasonable doubt...
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
The Popemobile
The p... The Popemobile
The pope was coming over to visit Canada and when he was greeted at the airport there was a limo waiting for him. As he was getting in he asked the limo driver if he could drive instead, because being a pope - he never got to do neat things like that.
The driver said sure, after all - you can't say no to the pope.
The pope of course decided to have some fun and drove the limo at about 200 km/h in a 80 km/h zone and a cop spots him and pulls him over.
The cop of course was very surprised when he looked inside the limo, and immediately radioed his supervisor.
Cop: What should I do? I can't ticket this guy!
Supervisor: Why who is it? The Mayor?
Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the mayor? Is it the Premiere?
Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the mayor? Is it the Premiere?
Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the Premiere? The Prime Minister?
Cop: No, much much more important!
Supervisor: Not the Prime Minister? Who the hell can be more important than the Prime Minister?
Cop: I don't know, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur!
A Problemic Polemic
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who knows why the heck they do anything?
Improvements in Hell
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
My friend knows that a bon mot
My friend knows that a bon mot is like a secret magical password. ‘Oh, pun!', says ami.Where Do You Want to Go?
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" they all piped up.
"And what do you have to do to get there?"
They said, "Be dead!"
If the Blarney Stone were a ma...
If the Blarney Stone were a man, would kissing it make me Gaelic?10 words that do not exist...but should...
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Whorehouse
A sailor returns to port after months at sea and heads to the nearest whorehouse.
The madam says she has only one girl available, and sheâll cost $1,000.
Because heâs desperate, the sailor agrees and heads up to the room.
When the hooker opens the door, she finds the sailor masturbating furiously.
âWhat the hell are you doing?â the hooker screams.
âFor $1,000, you donât think Iâm going to let you have the easy one, do you?â the sailor replies.
Submitted by ¤Ãúrtç¤
Edited by calamjo
Late video return
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster.
When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next
day... they mean it!"
Really funny jokes-Three Spanish tourists
Three Spanish tourists are up in a tree in Mexico when a policeman sees them."What are you doing up there?
Come on men, get down. Let's not have any of you falling and getting hurt!"
The guys get down ... "Ok. Now, who are you?"
"Wow, what a memory! We are the Spanish dudes from the tree!"
