Popular jokes (11011 to 11025)

Greatest Comedian in the Bible

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Bloopers from Sunday School Students

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

#joke

Oysters On Half Shell

Customer in a waterfront restaurant: “Waiter, these are very small oysters!”
Waiter: “Yes sir, they are very small.”
Customer: “Also, they do not appear to be very fresh!”
Waiter with a resourceful response: “Then it’s lucky they’re small, ain’t it sir?”

And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

Alligator Shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO

Funny jokes-You might be a Lawyer if

You Might Be a Lawyer if...
you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
your other car is a BMW.
when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
when your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Paddy the Irishman died in a f...

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arse holes."

"What, he had two arse holes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arse holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes..."

“Why was the eagle in

“Why was the eagle in handcuffs? The police thought he was a flight risk!”

Twin Brother In Prison

My twin brother called me from prison.
He said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

The Preacher and the Frog Princess

An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”

 Protest Evaluation

Standard form #27B/j
Please take a few minutes to fill out this
questionaire. All answers will be kept
confidental and are used only for research
purposes.
1: How did you hear about us?
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2: Did you enjoy your overall experience?
 ___ Yes ___ No
 If not, why not? _________________________
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3: Is this your first protest with this
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4: On a scale of 1 to 10, please rate the
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 (circle one)
Representative access 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Employee politeness 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Toilet availability 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Snacks 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Parking 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5: Would you come back and protest again?
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6: How can we make future protests more
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Thank you for your time. Your answers will
help (this office) become more responsive to
protester needs as part of our service goals.

Mail order....

An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Tom Papa: You Know Smoking Is Bad for You

They smoke for 60-70 years, then they show up, I had no idea it was bad for me! Come on. Youre breathing in fire. What did you think you were doing, training for the circus? Even if they didnt put a label on the pack, you would know its bad for you, wouldnt you? They dont need to put a warning label on a hammer for me to know if I smack myself in the face, its gonna hurt.

Kim Kardashia...

Kim Kardashian made off with a stolen auto. When cops found her, there was copious junk in her trunk. And the rack was overloaded.