Popular jokes (11011 to 11025)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Praying for Coffee Cake
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffee cake,†he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,†he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
A very rich and famous dwarf p...
A very rich and famous dwarf passed away recently. He was low dead.Pregnancy FAQ
Pregnancy FAQ
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
#joke #mother
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
“If you can't choose
“If you can't choose between an angry psychic and a sad psychic, you'll have to find a happy medium.”
there was this hooker named Ju...
there was this hooker named Judi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"
Judi replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's *really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20."
A study in the United Kindom s...
A study in the United Kindom showed that the kind of male face, a woman finds attractive can differ on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.
Numbers Equal Zero
Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.
Rob Riggle: Now That Obama Is President
Now that he is our president, I think its time we as a nation just took a deep breath and collectively just said out loud, O.J. killed those people. It feels good.“The geneticist taugh...
“The geneticist taught his students how to mendel defective genes.”
Wedding Dress
A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"
"Because they're happy," the mom replied.
Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do grooms wear black?"
Stick To The Plan
I was observing two men that were working for the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while I had to ask, "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
A couple was celebrating their...
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage."Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife, a redhead, promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."
