Popular jokes (10996 to 11010)

The counselor was giving advic

The counselor was giving advice to a young man: "To gain self-confidence, you must avoid using negative words, such as CAN'T and NOT. Do you think you can do that?"
The young man responded, "Well, I can't see why not."

The Horseman

Son: "Gee pop, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail and finishes up on the horse's neck!"
Dad: "That's easy... I did all that the first time I ever rode a horse."

Nobody liked the e-bike rider

Nobody liked the e-bike rider because he just moped around.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry abo...

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

A Really, Really Good Shave

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day.The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife, whose name was Grace, shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water. “That will be twenty dollars,” she said. The man thought the price was a bit high and wondered how he’d continue to foot such a bill, but he paid for the service and went off to work.The next morning, the man looked in the mirror and saw that his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. He couldn’t understand it, so he returned to the barber shop.“I thought twenty dollars was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”The woman’s face showed no surprise. “Well, of course,” she said. “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

When faced with two different

When faced with two different career paths, a window washer will always choose the ladder.

Old Grey Mare

A buyer was considering purchasing an old thoroughbred horse but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal. When the vet had completed his examination the potential buyer asked, “Will I be able to race him?”

The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse.

“Sure,” he replied, “and you would probably win!”

A man has been in hospital for

A man has been in hospital for a month. One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth.
As he orders a fifth beer, he says to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman gasps in alarm, "What have you got?" To which the hospital patient replies, "I've got no money."

Grandma's Medication

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.

As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks ...

And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
 

 

April 13, 2015

Was I

Contributed by Phil Hanes

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 Get Away With Murder

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."

“When does a farmer d

“When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.”

Funny jokes-The mop threat

The Pastor's Mother and the Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

Redneck quickies 2

You might be a redneck if...

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

A lady went to the bar on a cr

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd liketo buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet ofyou. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops ofwater."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."