Popular jokes (10981 to 10995)

Scientology on Demand: aka

Scientology on Demand: aka Dianetflix. It's a streaming of consciousness.

And She Said – For Valentines

How do you tell if a soccer pl

How do you tell if a soccer player is dead?

Steven Wright 09

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

A new preacher wanted...

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost.The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it. The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Blonde in a Snow Storm

A blonde got stuck in a snowstorm and started to panic.

Then she remembered that her father had told her to wait for

a snow plow to come and plow the road in front of her if she

ever got stuck in a snowstorm. Then follow the plow to

safety. So she waited until a snow plow finally came, and she

followed it.

After about an hour and a half the guy driving the snow plow

stopped and asked the blonde what she was doing.

She told him what her father told her. He shrugged his

shoulders and said "Well, okay, I'm done with K-Mart's

parking lot, would you like to follow me to Sears?"

What is a dermatologist...

What is a dermatologist's favourite holiday season?
A: Eczemas.

The server at the restaurant t

The server at the restaurant told such awful jokes, it was torture. I wanted him charged with waiterboreding

Yuppie Farmer

A yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and told the proprietor he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.
"I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied: "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the proprietor.

"Yeah," replied the yuppie: "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

Gotta give something up...

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

Did you hear about the Egyptia...

Did you hear about the Egyptian funeral parlor? They promise "Satisfaction guaranteed, or your mummy back."

Cervantes was a great speechmaker, but his greatest of all was Don Keynote.

#joke #short

A drunk staggered up to the ho

A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

 At A Distressed City

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Los Angeles Times, November 24:
Banning, Blythe and Barstow no longer qualify as "distressed" cities under federal guidelines, nor do Adelanto, Lake Elsinore, or Loma Linda.
But Beverly Hills does.
According to a new U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development list, Beverly Hills can apply for about $56 million a year in business development grants reserved for small cities suffering "physical and economic distress."

Robert Schmidt 11

The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?
I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...
I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body--a tattoo of myself. Only taller.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.