Popular jokes (10966 to 10980)

I told my girlfriend last nigh...

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again.

I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father."

 Quotes Of Companies

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Really funny stuff-Mirror, mirror, on the wall

 Knock Knock Collection 100

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Janet!
Janet who!
Janet'or in a drum!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Japan!
Japan who!
Japan is too hot, ouch!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jaws!
Jaws who?
Jaws truly!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jean!
Jean who?
Jeanius - you just don't recognise it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jenny!
Jenny who?
Jennymen prefer blondes!

Groom's Day

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.“But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain.”“Be quiet,” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.”“But, sir, I just wanted to say—““I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail!”A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”“I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”

“When the golfer with

“When the golfer with a serious iron deficiency went back to the doctor for a check-up he was told that he was still not out of the woods.”

Self-Centered

People call me self-centered...
But that’s enough about them.

Sophomore course

How many Duke freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because that's a sophomore course at Florida State and Virginia.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

An elderly couple was sitting...

An elderly couple was sitting together watching TV. During a commercial the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we even got a Christmas card from them last year."

Do Cats Go to Heaven?

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Kristian Vallee: Getting Out of School

People think kids are the only ones that want to get out of class at 3 oclock every single day. No, no -- go see the teachers on a Friday at 3 oclock. Youll see teachers stiff-arming kids on the way out to the parking lot.

A little to familiar!

Judi and Gayle were walking down the street. Judi noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

Gayle said, "Let me look." So Judi handed her the compact.

Gayle looked in the mirror then turned to Judi. "You dummy -- that's me!!!

If you had purchased $1,000 o...

If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turn in the cans for the aluminum recycling Refund, you would have had $214. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg…..

“As a drug counselor,...

“As a drug counselor, I get clients by refeeral.”