Popular jokes (10966 to 10980)

How does it work that

My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits into her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit into my pants from 2 weeks ago?

Money Under The Pillow

"I wonder why old man Smith puts all his savings under his pillow every night?"
"Maybe he wants people to know that he has enough money to retire on?"

Is it true that Middle Eastern...

Is it true that Middle Eastern tyrants Arab-dictating power?

Which primitive arthropods wou

Which primitive arthropods would occasionally eat little people? A: Tri low bites.

I borrowed your dog, didn̵

I borrowed your dog, didn't return it, and now you're acting all petulant?

Scientology on Demand: aka

Scientology on Demand: aka Dianetflix. It's a streaming of consciousness.

 Newest ATM Machines

"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno

A young boy, about eight years

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."

An eccentric billionaire wante

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall,so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionairesaid, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation ofthe last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I amgoing out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expectto see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine thefinished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with ahalo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in variousstages and different positions of making love. Furious he called theartist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for amural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow lookat all those f*cking Indians!'"

Steve, ...

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working one day on a very high scaffolding when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you
a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you
Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Three priests...

Three priests went to the train station to take a trip to Pittsburgh. The senior father looked to the youngest and said, "Will you go to the booth and buy the tickets for us?"

The young priest timidly replied, "Yes Father." And he headed for the ticket booth. When he gets to the window, he sees that the young woman selling tickets is wearing a VERY low cut neckline and is VERY endowed.

"Could I have three pickets to Titsburg?" he blurted. And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.

The senior father then asked the middle-aged father if he would go to get the tickets. "And would you please get me two nickels for a dime while you are there?" he added.

"Certainly!" the middle-aged priest replied, "I'll be right back." When he arrived at the booth, he said "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and give me two nipples for a dime." And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.

The senior father was angry and said, "You two wait here, I'll go and get them myself!" And he stormed off to the ticket booth. "I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and two nickels for a dime." he told the young woman, "And you should be ashamed of yourself, young lady. Dressing that way in a public place! Why....I'm sure that Saint Fingers is shaking his Peter at you right now!"

And he ran away......

BEFORE AND AFTER

A ma...

BEFORE AND AFTER

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

After many years of marriage,

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom.
Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws!
To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"

Climbing Mt. Everrest<

Climbing Mt. Everrest will make you lazy.

“I got a red card at

“I got a red card at the football match. I soccer punched an opponent.”