Popular jokes (10951 to 10965)

My mother-in-law got her mamma

My mother-in-law got her mammaries replaced by suction cups. Now whenever she leans in for a kiss, I get ma stuck to me.

My dog wrote a novel. Unfortun...

My dog wrote a novel. Unfortunately, it was terrible. The plot was so arf-fetched.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 54

You might be a reneck if...
Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You've ever been given a gun as a present.
Flannel is your favorite color.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

Knock Knock Collection 084

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Heart!
Heart who?
Heart who hear you, speak louder!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven seen you in ages!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Heidi!
Heidi who?
Heidi-clare war on you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Heifer!
Heifer who?
Heifer cow is better than none!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Helena!
Helana who?
Helena hand basket!

 Real Classified Ads 04

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.

Business one-liners 80

It's Not My Job!

It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.

It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.

It's out of my control.

Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.

Legalizing

“The legalizing of marijuana in many states has been a big hit.”

Backward Rabbits

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

Two aliens landed in the New M...

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien.

He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.

"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

Little girl

A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

'What is that?' asked the child pointing to the penis.

'Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,' replied the mother.

'I want one,' said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

'I want one just like that,' she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, 'if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.'

'And if I'm bad?' asked the little one.

'Then,' sighed the mother, 'you will have many.'

The birth of Eve

God asks asks Adam how he's doing, - "Well, it's ok but I am abit lonely".

"Ok" God answers. - "Let's do something about it. I can give you the most wonderful and satisfactory being and friend you'll ever need you'll never be lonely again, and you'll have everything you ever need".

"But it means I need your arm and leg to create that being".

Adam ponders and isn't willing to sacrifice his arm and leg. -"Ok" God says again.

"With only your leg, I can make a nice and welcoming partner for you, giving you no grief only happiness"

Adam ponders again - he is rather lonely but really wants his leg.

"What can I get for one of my rib bones ?" Adam finally replies

One cannibal to another: Your ...

One cannibal to another: Your wife makes a great soup. Second cannibal: Yes! But I'm going to miss her terribly.

The twelve days after Christmas

The first day after Christmas

My true love and I had a fight

And so I chopped the pear tree down

And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge

I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas

I pulled on the old rubber gloves

And very gently wrung the necks

Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas

My mother caught the croup

I had to use the three French hens

To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas

The six laying geese wouldn't lay

So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the

A.S.P.C.A.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas

Before they could suspect

I bundled up the

Eight maids-a-milking

Nine ladies dancing

Ten lords-a-leaping

Eleven pipers piping

Twelve drummers drumming

And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love

"We are through, love!"

And I said in so many words

"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"

Four calling birds,

Three French hens,

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree!"

Policeman: "Did you get the li...

Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"

A man working with an electric...

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.
"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."