Popular jokes (11251 to 11265)

Q: How do you make a witch itc

Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take away her "w".

Grandpa was showing little Joh

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

Alarm Clock Hate

There are only two instances when people hate the alarm clock:
1) When it rings.
2) When it doesn’t ring.

Ammosaurus

Ammosaurus always shoots first and asks questions later.

The Best At Getting the Girls

Why do archaeologists get all the girls?
Because they have the best dating techniques.

A Really, Really Good Shave

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day.
The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife, whose name was Grace, shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water.
“That will be twenty dollars,” she said.
The man thought the price was a bit high and wondered how he’d continue to foot such a bill, but he paid for the service and went off to work.
The next morning, the man looked in the mirror and saw that his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.
The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. He couldn’t understand it, so he returned to the barber shop.
“I thought twenty dollars was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”
The woman’s face showed no surprise. “Well, of course,” she said. “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

We have that in Texas...

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

"Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

"We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex.

St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

"We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."

 Knock Knock Collection 048

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dill!
Dill who?
Dill we meet again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dimension!
Dimension who?
Dimension it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dimitri!
Dimitri who?
Dimitri is where the burgers grow!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dinah!
Dinah who?
Dinah shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dino!
Dino who?
Dino the answer!

Thanksgiving Trio

Three Thanksgiving Jokes:

• Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.
• When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, “I'm thankful I didn't get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.
• Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush!

Charlie was a regular visitor

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two pounds on that horse and won close to fifty quid! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of £20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.
He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"

Numbers

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his "1 to 10" well.

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"

"Good. What comes after three?”

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"

"A jack!"

Thigns...

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

My boyfriend and I had hardly...

"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Margaret.
"Well," says Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah," says Margaret.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"

Public School Dangers

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Sunday, November 29, 1992
An investigation by the Dallas Morning News revealed the city's public schools employ at least 185 people who have been convicted of felonies, including two convicted murderers.
In response, the school superintendent promised that the city would begin periodic records checks.

The Parable of the Seagull

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"