Popular jokes (11266 to 11280)

Emergency landing...

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Really funny jokes-Oh No!

The shy, young man is thinking about asking his girl to marry him, but he doesn't know how to say it, so he asks his father, "Dad, what did you say to mum so she married you?"
"I only said 'OH NO!!!' and then we got married the next day."

When the Dog Went to the Flea Circus

What happened when dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!

There was a father and his lit...

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.

The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms for?"

The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?"

The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"

The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"

The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

A mime was arrested and put in

A mime was arrested and put into an invisible cell at the police station.
They figured if he can't get out of an invisible box on a stage, an invisible prison cell would be twice as difficult.

Really funny jokes-Growing up

 Must Be Out Of Shape

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

1. You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
   
2. People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
   
3. You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
   
4. Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
   
5. Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
   
6. You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.
   
7. You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
   
8. Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
   
9. The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"
   

Hear that the Mafia is trying

Hear that the Mafia is trying to lose its tough-guy image?

 Irish Laughs

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

#joke #animal #cat #dog

Veterinary Clinic

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion.”

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he's gone”).

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!”

The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”

A guy is sitting at home alone

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife.
The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

Religious Symbols on the Rocks

Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"

When Chuck Norris takes his sh...

When Chuck Norris takes his shirt off the sun gets a tan.

Drink on Friday the thirteenth

“Is it unlucky to drink on Friday the thirteenth, or is it merely stuporstition?”

Bihari Essay "Indian Cow"

You’ll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC(IAS)Examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow: Indian Cow HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment] What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it. The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow....... We are informed that the candidate passed the exam, and is now an IAS, is bihar in somewhere..[sorry somewhere in Bihar]