Popular jokes (11281 to 11295)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
I took some friends out to din
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?""Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation.By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket."I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.
"Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly.Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask."Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant.That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and hereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute.If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys,but I use my spoon."
Adult jokes-Feeding the Yak
The Yuppie is confused and asks the old loafer what he meant.
The old loafer says that none of them had any action for a long time and up in the hills, a Yak is the closest one could get to a woman.
The Yuppie understood and started for the hills. When he returned to the monastery after a week, the Head Monk asked him how the Yaks were doing. The Yuppie did not say anything but kept smiling. The Head Monk then asked him if he had fed all the Yaks properly, The Yuppie replied that he had forgotten to feed them.
The Head Monk got emotional and burst out, "You Yuppies are all the same, screw you Yak, I am all right!"
A man returned from vacation f...
A man returned from vacation feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital for a range of tests. The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bedside was ringing. "This is your doctor," said the voice on the other end. "We've reviewed the results of your tests and we've found you have a very nasty virus, which is extremely contagious.""Oh my gosh! What are you going to do, doctor?"
"We're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"No, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
Bill & Moe
Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.
"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."
"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
“I've heard that the
“I've heard that the airplane industry is really taking off and reaching new heights.”
( 1 ) You got to find somebody
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you likesports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10 --
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up whothey're going to marry. God decides it all way before,and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10 --
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you knowthe person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10 --
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to bea fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should usethem to get to know each other. Even boys havesomething to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each otherlies and that usually gets them interested enough togo for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATETHAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I wouldcall all the newspapers and make sure they wrote aboutme in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich
-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so Iwouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,then you should marry them and have kids with them.It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals!)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell youone thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. Idon't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not forboys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENTIF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty,even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
The Webmonk's Holidays Exercise Program
Here's the exercise program I used to stay in shape this past holiday season.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM!
NOW SCROLL DOWN...
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NOW SCROLL UP...
That's enough for the first day.
I trust you survived!!
“Receiving a Nobel Pr
“Receiving a Nobel Prize is, nevertheless, a ringing endorsement.”
1. A day without sunshine is
1. A day without sunshine is like night.2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're inthe wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Reasonable doubt...
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Mo attends to a revival and li...
Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?” Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.Religious Symbols on the Rocks
Three children were talking about their religions."I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"
