Popular jokes (11281 to 11295)

That's a bit expensive just f

That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?
I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.
Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought youwere a man...
I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because hesaid it made me look like Edna Everage.
Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...
Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU
Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself
Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the'plain, severe and drab' look in this season?
Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?
Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers
I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuateyour roots
Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like anyhelp?
Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?
God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?
I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and Ifollowed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, fourskirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's reallyall you...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

NED: How was your trip to the

NED: How was your trip to the farm?
ED: Very bizarre!
NED: Why's that?
ED: Well, I never thought I'd see a wasp screwing a bull, butt lowin' bee-hole – there it was!

“A hangman works unde

“A hangman works under deadline!”

The Conductor

A little ...

The Conductor

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.  After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus.  Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret, “what is it with the bananas?”

“Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it,” replies the man. “I'm just a bad conductor.”

Some More Funny Jokes

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/09/02/funny-fairy-tale-2007/

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/09/01/skim-milk/

http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/2007/09/01/its-gettin-so-you-cant-eat-anything/

The four stages of life....

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You are Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

Ski season...

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Three nuns were talking. The f...

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

A Christian Puppy

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.
"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"
"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.
That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"
"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.
Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.
He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.
"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"

An old woman is upset at her h

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says, "We’ll take care of it, ma’am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Gran...

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference

The Brita-ish

The Brita-ish love filtered water.

Knock Knock Collection 139

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oliver!
Oliver who?
Oliver troubles are over!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olivia!
Olivia who?
Olivia but I lost the key!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olivier!
Olivier who?
Olivier but I've lost my key!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ollie!
Ollie who?
Ollie time you say that, I wish you would cut it out!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oman!
Oman who?
Oman, you are cute!

Good Night Kiss

All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"

A hippie backpacker from the S...

A hippie backpacker from the Swiss Alps was tramping across a farmers field when it got dark. He asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer agreed but said he would have to sleep in bed with his 18 year old daughter. The farmer told him, "If I catch you molesting my daughter I'll shoot you!" That night the hippie and the farmers daughter got it on and had a great time. The farmer could hear the goings on from the next room. In the morning he opened the door and asked the hippie, "Did you have sex with my daughter?" The hippie was a Jesus freak so he decided to be honest: "Yes, I did. Please forgive me." The farmer took the hippie out back of the house and pointed a shotgun at him. "Ya got any last words, bub?" he asked. The Swiss hippie said, "Yodelayheehoo!" Then the farmer shot him. When the Sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he shot the man just for having sex with his daughter. The farmer replied, "Well, I didn't really have a problem with him screwing Bonnie. I was just gonna scare him a little, but when he said, 'Yer 'ol lady too!' that's when I blew his head off."