Popular jokes (11296 to 11310)

Caffeine Addict Quiz

Caffeine Addict's Quiz:
Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5.
a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?
15.
a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16.
a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20.
a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22.
a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?

An old man, a boy, and a donke

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.
As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.
Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.
Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.
The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story ?
If you try to please everyone, you may as well............
kiss your ass goodbye.

Snakes are looking just for a

Snakes are looking just for a place to be long.

Blonde in a Lightning Storm

Q: Why did the blonde keep stopping then smile during a

lightning storm?

A: She thought she was getting her picture taken.

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, 'Great Keith Richards mask!' and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...' and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Replacing Quasimodo

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word throughout Paris that a new bell-ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews in the belfry. Several applicants demonstrated their skills, when a lone, armless ma came in and said he was there to apply for the bell-ringer’s job.
The incredulous bishop said, “But you have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody. The astonished bishop listened and knew he had found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, the armless man tripped, and plunged out the belfry window to his death.
When the stunned bishop reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. One of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but this face rings a bell.”
Despite the sad event, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame. The first applicant said, “Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as he prepared to ring the bells the man groaned and clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?,” the first monk asked breathlessly. “Who is this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Every Sunday, a little old lad

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he noted.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest.
"Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady.
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest.
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well," said the lady, "he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

Eugene Mirman: Pineapple Dog House Red

I dont speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I was in a situation where I had to be like, Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library? -- no problem.

Yo momma's so fat, her belt s

Yo momma's so fat, her belt size is "Equator."

A married couple are out one n

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

Jordan Rubin: One Part Fat

I dont mind fat people, I just dont like fat people that try to pretend that one part of their bodys fat. Like my Aunt Saras like that. Ill be like, Hey, Aunt Sara, you want a piece of this cake? Shell be like, I cant have that cake. Itll go straight to my hips. Really? Well, it seems to make a pit stop on your ass and back.

Name that bird...

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVER...

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kilos

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

“I have a bad, bad pa

“I have a bad, bad pain in my toe, no gout about it.”

If Companies Run Christmas

If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.