Popular jokes (11311 to 11325)

“Valentine's Day is

“Valentine's Day is pure cupidity.”

Why did the tightrope walker g...

Why did the tightrope walker got to the bank?
To check his balance
Graeme Fraser, Marchmont

Why do cows lie down when it's raining?
To keep each udder dry.

There's a rom-com about

There's a rom-com about a girl marrying an insurance agent, they call it Love, Actuarially

 Knock Knock Collection 192

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Weirdo!
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you're going!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Welcome!
Welcome who?
Welcome up and see me sometime!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wendy!
Wendy who?
Wendy come to take you away I won't stop them!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wes!
Wes who?
Wes Side Story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wheelbarrow!
Wheelbarrow who?
Wheelbarrow some money and go on holiday!

“Sawbones is what hap

“Sawbones is what happened when the doctor looked at the X-ray.”

The end of the ham...

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God's true name is unpronounceable...because God is Welsh."

Chiropractor

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Little Johnny... Geometry

Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"

Cliff side accident

After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff.

Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette.

After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight.

They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.

Well, they talked about it for a while but no one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump.

Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.

To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice.

She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.

After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

My friend said he used to go t...

My friend said he used to go to strip clubs. He has fondle mammaries of that time.

Claire, after retiring from a

Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.
One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied Victoria, "but I can't possibly sell you that."
"Oh, what a pity, but why not?" inquired Claire.
"Because," said the owner, "that's my husband."

A man walks into a restaurant ...

A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?” The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "which way?"

How Many Telemarketers

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

What would you like to hear?

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"