Popular jokes (11326 to 11340)

Q: Why did the Police Offi

Q: Why did the Police Officer put a bra on the road?
A: To put a booby trap.

 When You Know You Must Really Be Drunk

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."

Little Johnny was so proud of

Little Johnny was so proud of the surprise birthday cake he made for his mom, but it was all she could do to swallow even one bite.
"How do you like it, Mommy?"
"It's wonderful, John."
Little Johnny beamed. "I'm glad. I'm sorry there's no candles on top but, when I took it out of the oven, they were all gone!"

After he spent too long in a s...

After he spent too long in a steam room, they called him A Sauna been Laid in.

No talking...

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

My mind is gone...

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Sitting down with founders

Sitting down with founders Patrick Tanzola and Rhain Louis of Pungents.com (Canada’s top pun website), we weren’t sure what to expect on that brightly punny day outside U of T’s Hart House. Nursing our coffees, we were suddenly caught off-guard when a massive hawk swept down beside us, grabbed a small mouse from the garden, and flew off – nearly causing us to hawk-up our lunch.

Sprayed Deodorant

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent.

Hot and cold...

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"

"Yea! What is that?"

"Why that's a thermos!"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"I'll take it"

The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"

"It's a thermos"

"What's it do?"

"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"

"So whatcha got in it?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

the perfect day

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

 Owning A New Pet Fish

Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

“The outrageous color

“The outrageous colors of our game day uniforms were so mismatched they were dubbed 'clash action suits'.”

A Pastor goes to a nursing hom

A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry,but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's O.K.," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway.
Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.

Blood flow

A blonde walks into a shoe sto

A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.