Popular jokes (11341 to 11355)

He really loved her but he was...

He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "Judith?"
"Yes, this is Judith."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course. Who's speaking?"

Tom did like he always does, k

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed andfalling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed ina white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doingin my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and youare in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm tooyoung." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me backimmediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog ora hen. You can choose on your own"
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog istoo tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return asa hen." Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chickenrun, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then alongcame the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does itfeel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all youcan."
Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again andsqueezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete'ssake!!! Wake up ... you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"

On a plane bound for New York

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Prehistoric Producer

What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business?
"Try Sara's Tops!"

Hilarious jokes-Things not to say to a cop

The inventor of the Harley-Dav

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been sucha good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Yourreward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want tohang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one whoinvented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that'spretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have somemajor design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key wordsAnd waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper andGod read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said toArthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are ridingmy invention than yours."

One line jokes-Contortionist

Yo momma is so fat that when s...

Yo momma is so fat that when she applied to be a bus driver she found out she was qualified to be the bus.

 Must Be Out Of Shape

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

1. You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
   
2. People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
   
3. You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
   
4. Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
   
5. Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
   
6. You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.
   
7. You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
   
8. Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
   
9. The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"
   

Handing out entry bracelets at...

Handing out entry bracelets at a concert is a safety precaution: it's smart wrist management.

An 85-year-old widow went on a

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

More snow

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand.
"It must have been terrible," said the government man to a farmer. "All that snow."
"Could have been worse," calmly answered the farmer. "My neighbor had more snow than me."
"How's that?" asked the government man.
"More land," replied the farmer.

Get Me Off This Train

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:
Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"
Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."

The Island of Trid

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

I Finn ally h

I Finn ally have a Scandinavian friend.